He Wears a Red Bandana. Plays a Cool Piano.

The title of this piece of writing originally had nothing to do with what I was about to say. In the nature of rambling, I'll making it about what I'm going to say. I wish I was as happy always as I am for the few minutes that this song plays. Listen to it and tell me it doesn't fill you with joy. Aside, watching Death Proof might help. Great fucking movie. I also wish I was as happy always as I was when that movie ended and I was speechless with satisfaction. No matter. The here and now is what is important. What here and now is is my far too warm room in my apartment the now, circumstantially, is in the midst of writing a five-page paper wishing two things, among the many I'm prepetually wishing for. First is that I would just focus. I wish I would simply put all this extra shit away and write this goddamn paper. In all honesty, I have all the ideas laid out, I've been thinking about it all day. A day is all the time and forethought I honestly need to put into something in order for it to become successful. (Seriously, with no personal research of my own I wrote a 9-page paper in under a day. I got an A-. I'm just awful.) If I were to simply crank out all of these ideas, I bet I'd have five pages within the hour, which would be ideal since I have class in over eight hours as well as an assignment for that class due. Second is that I wish my counsellor would've showed up to our scheduled meeting today. I've had a lot of bullshit running through my head and as my avid readers (HA!) will know, talking to someone who will actually respond to me would be a much needed change of pace. That didn't happen though. For whatever reason my counsellor called in sick, but I wasn't made aware of this. I showed up fifteen minutes late for the meeting itself, filled out my pre-meeting forms, waited for twenty minutes, then for another five as everyone looked around for her, only to find out that I was free to go and could come back on Wednesday. It is likely that I'm looking at my situation and the world unnecessarily harsh, but I can't help but do it because you can't help but be who you are. If I don't do something to wake myself up I'll end up going to sleep, skipping my final Evo. lab for the semester, easy ten points, another easy ten points, probably a lecture, and then I'll ultimately wake up at 10am, over rested, then crank out the paper in an hour anyway. I wish it wasn't so fucking cold outside so I could just grab all my shit, head over to campus and write this out outside where I'll be less tempted to physically harm myself. College is arguably pointless for someone like me. If I don't successfully complete this transition period I appear to be in, it is all over for me. I will have wasted the latter part of my formative years and will either need to make rash life decisions, or jump off of something tall. I really don't actually want to do the latter, so I'm going to open my window, let the cold in, go outside, walk around a bit, then come in here and write until my hands can't move. Pass out, probably miss classes anyway. Fuck it, am I right? No. I'm not. Ugh. Goodnight place I go to whine and annoy myself at how bitchy and faux-problematic I am. My problems are nothing. Haha, shit I am so insignificant but I think so highly of myself sometimes. Like when I write this down as if anyone actually, seriously cares. They might. But deep down, I kind of doubt it. I need to leave.

The Ramblings of Youth, or and Then Depression Set In

I'm going through something of a quarter-life crisis right now. Unfortunately it isn't the kind of crisis where I've completely destroyed myself and have to build from the bottom up. I say unfortunately because that's the kind of crisis where one has no choice but to rebuild or die. I'm in a crisis where I simply hate almost everything about myself and my choices and the only thing that is going to bring me to a point of genuine change is either self-destruction or massive will power. To an extent, my will power is very effective. To another extent my will power can't get me to do a goddamn thing. It all depends on the circumstances. Even though the circumstances of this situation is the barrier between me and actual happiness, whatever the hell that is.
I've recently started going to counseling. I like going to counseling because I feel like someone actually cares about me. Most of the people I know, friends and family, don't put forth any actual effort to see if I'm doing alright. I started opening up to my mom on the phone and she sort of laughed an dismissed me. I know that she loves me to death and cares deeply for me and would do anything for me, but it doesn't show sometimes. When it comes to other people I feel like I'm putting forth the most effort and everyone else sort of just uses me when it is most convenient for them. Stemming from that, I don't feel like I get any respect from anyone. I spend so much time caring for other people and I never feel like I get anything back.
My life is a mess right now. I feel like I'm wasting it. There are so many opportunities, and I spend my time locked in my room with shit everywhere, laundry that hasn't been done in over a month because I can't be bothered walking mere feet to the machines. I'm destroying myself and I'm not doing anything to stop it. I feel like I could murder someone or start crying at any given moment but I can't and I don't because nothing really matters and I feel empty inside.
My parents are considering moving to Florida in the coming year. I'm alright with it. If it makes them happy, then more power to them. It is December 4. This means that the semester is coming to a close. I don't care. I wish it weren't. I say that because I don't really want to go home. I don't want to be around the same people again who inadvertently make me feel shitty about myself. I don't want break to happen because I don't want to have to pretend to be happy. I just want to stay here and make a positive change. I may have to self-destruct in order to get anything done. I'm so sad. I'm so very very sad.

Social Laws and Norms

My intention for this piece of writing to to discuss two things, which may end up turning into several, as they often do. These two things stem from handheld music device listening (iPods, let's face it) and college students waiting at crosswalks.
Let me begin with crosswalks because it is the most fresh in my mind. People are oddly strict about rules put in place. For some reason, since we are told that jaywalking is illegal and that crossing when the little red hand is up is a no-no, people simply don't do that. Obviously I'm overgeneralizing because I don't involve myself in this category of 'people' nor do many others. I'll give you a stark example. I was on my way to class two months ago. This was before I realized how awesome the bus system is and a walking trip that would soon become this semester's history. On my way to class these two months ago I was slowing up to a crosswalk where on either side of the street there were approximately fifty people waiting for the little red hand of death to turn into the jolly silver hand of skipping, joy, and world peace. Whenever I approach this monstrous group of people I have a desire to go to the front even if there is the possibility of yielding no results. After sifting my way to the front of this flock of sheep I realized that they were all just that because though the red satan hand of evil and hell was staring both sides of the road in the face, there were no cars in sight. No cars coming to trample calm pedestrians over in the foreseeable future, yet almost one hundred people stood as if blind and without their collective white cane. So in the nature of my being to be efficient and to openly disobey silly traffic laws, after walking to the front of this mass I looked both directions, saw that there was no potential for danger (or a fine) and I continued on my merry way, while smiling and slightly laughing, mind you. The most interesting aspect of this situation was that everyone involved in these laughable circumstances just continued to stand, then simply stared at me as I crossed. None of them took it upon themselves to be the first sheep and to follow me across the street. No. They just stood and stared. Mindless idiots, I tell you.
I figure I'll separate this into paragraphs because that is what successful writing does, apparently. I just never did it because it makes me hinge too firmly on this idea that one is supposed to focus on one and only one thing per paragraph. So if I didn't limit myself to one idea, it opened myself up to endless ideas per paragraph. This is my personal blah blah blahs so I needn't explain myself to you, though I do, did, and always will. Alas, I'm already well into this second block paragraph so here goes the second topic. I'm concerned for our societies well being. We spend disproportionate amount of our time being calm and seemingly content. This is horse shit because I know that most of us have a lot of pent up anger and our daily lives never fail to come up with some fresh hell every few hours. The main reason I'm concerned for us is that when something subjectively bad happens, like a sports team loosing or winning or some silly shit, riots break out. People die. Things are blown up. Stores are robbed. Small children are traumatized. All that. What is going to happen when some crazy shit storm happens, like the government censoring the Internet for example? All hell is going to break loose. Mass-hysteria will ensue and the world we live in will turn to chaos. I may murder people in the process, WHO KNOWS MAN!! Let me connect this with what I mentioned at the beginning of it all. 'It all' of course referring to the top of this writing. We are filled to the brim with restraint. Sitting on the bus I notice that when people are listening to music, there is no freedom of expression. It is all internalized. For those of us who feel the unnecessary need to restrain ourselves find our fingers or feet tip-tapping away. When did it becoming socially unacceptable for people to move along with the music they are listening to? I realize that since the music is going directly into the ears that there is some level of intimacy involved, but there is a large middle ground between singing the lyrics of a song out loud for all to hear and feeling noticed and self-conscious when a foot is tapping. When music is happening around me, even if I don't particularly care for it, I won't be able to help myself. I have to move around. This is coming from someone who is acutely aware of how restrained he is in various aspects of life. I stopped writing for a few minutes and my mind went into various different tangents for possible conversation and writing so I'll use this as an appropriate opportunity to stop, watch the most recent episode of Dexter, then Annie Hall, then maybe get stoned and hangout with someone.
Enjoy life and all that it offers. Do what makes you better because in this world, being happy with yourself takes precedence over everything else. Again, enjoy. Goodbye.

I Know What I Want

I feel like I lie to people a lot. Not lying in the way it is usually thought of, more in a way that I'm never truly myself to people I don't know really well. I always feel like I'm being somebody else. I live inside my own head. I'm always analyzing. Rarely do I act without thinking a lot about it. The way I'm currently living my live concerns me. Not because I'm being reckless or making bad life choices. I'm just making bad choices in silly aspects of my life which is why I'm not making any progress. Procrastination is a small enough of a problem that it doesn't even feel worth fixing, even though I'm currently working on it and I know that I'll be happier because of it. That said, I could improve most aspects of the way I operate my life. I haven't done enough arguably stupid shit. I want to get myself neck deep is unadulterated crazy shit and essentially drive myself into the ground so that I can rebuild and become a better person. I want to listen to so much more music. I want to be able to watch TV and movies and understand them on a deeper level. I want to read far more than I do. I want to be organized. I want to exercise on a regular basis. I want to be more noticeably interesting. I want to get in a fight. I want to get in fights. I want to make bad decisions. I want to cause chaos. I want to destroy something. I want to steal things from people. I want to be better. I want to be a more efficient person. I want to hate myself less. I want to bring my appreciation for life to the surface instead of knowing it and just being a lazy, irresponsible fuck with memory problems because he has been stoned every day for over a year. I want to know interesting people who just want to go out and appreciate life. I want to learn how to be a man. I want to know how to survive on my own. I want to study something interesting. I want someone to fucking hate me. I want someone to genuinely know and understand me, and like what they've come to comprehend. I want to be definitive. I want to learn how to skateboard. I want to go to do something really wrong and get away with it. I want to do terrible things for a long time, then get caught and have to change my perspective on the universe, and thereby better myself with a rounder understanding of things. I want to live anywhere but the U.S. I want to actually not care. I want to experience true change. I want to be part of a revolution. I want to destroy. I want to create. I want to bring to life a human being, and get to experience an extension of myself for decades. I want to get away with justified murder. I want to be appreciated. I want to appreciate myself. I want to learn how to play music. I want to learn how to speak different languages fluently. I want to change someone's life. I want to be happy with myself. I don't want to wake up every morning and have a problem with myself and not feel like I need to change myself. I want to be satisfied and content. I want to actually be angry about something and not just be passive-aggressive. I want to make a difference. I want to be able to die happy. I want to feel like I've lived a life worth living. I want to live.

You can't always get what you want. Good thing I'm not suicidal. How fucked up would that be? Can I live and not hate myself? Can I achieve any of these things? Can I be happy? This didn't make me feel better at all. It is going to be winter and miserable here and things may get much much worse. I need to 'destroy something beautiful'. Goodbye.

Nana, I Love You

My procrastination has inadvertently brought me to a new low I never could've foresaw. I haven't seen my grandmother on my dad's side for three years because she lives in New Zealand and for some reason none of us have gone down there to visit. That being said, not only my grandmother I haven't seen but my entire dad's side of the family. Among that group just so happens to also be my brother which disappoints me greatly, today especially. I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I hadn't gone down to see my family in so long, and my grandma is just such a fantastic person and now that I'm so much older I would've loved to see and talk with her. I woke up this morning with a missed call and a text from my mom. I called her immediately thereafter because a call so early in the morning and a text was a bit unnerving for me. My dad answered. He told me that my grandmother had died shortly beforehand in New Zealand. I'm having a very bad day to say the least. I can't stop thinking about that I haven't thought about my nana so much in the past three years than I have in the past few weeks. The fact that I was so close to getting in contact with her and potentially restarting up a beautiful relation/friendship but missed out on that opportunity is completely tearing me apart. Another terrible thing is that the last time she saw me and my mom she was upset with us beacuse we were moving out of New Zealand, most of which was completely my fault because I begged to leave beause I was unhappy. I was sixteen and I was selfish and I had no idea the importance of relationships with other people, most of all your own loving family who you would do absolutely anything for. Now there is nothing. I was on a mental journey to reconnect with a loved one and the train crashed into a haphazardly placed red brick wall. And then there was nothing. No possibility of reconnection, no laughs, no conversation, no smiles, no hugs, no more memories. Death is a hard concept for us to interpret because nothing is quite so finite. Finished. Full stop. Nothing. Nana I love you so very much and I'm going to miss you more than I can explain today. I just wish I could've seen you one last time. I take solace in the fact that you died pain free and in a short period of time. Our lives have once again shifted. What happens after this is under the reigns of a new train of thought. Nothing can be the same after this and we must seize the opportunity for growth. I love you Doris Budd and you will be forever missed.

Motivation to End Procrastination

I have a serious issue with motivation. It has been like this for years. As long as I can remember I've gotten away with doing the minimal amount. My parents have always done everything for me and I've never done anything for myself. Its unforgivable. My lack of motivation and extreme skill at procrastination has landed me in a position where I can't even motivate myself to become motivated. Its like I'm going backwards in the process of getting things done.

My issues with my procrastination are as follows. First, I often procrastinate so much that I put myself in a position where I have to stay up all night long to get homework assignments done, because homework takes me ages to do anyway. Second, generally speaking whenever I procrastinate on something (which I'm obviously doing right now, mind you*) I end up getting a decent grade. This is horrible positive reinforcement, except in this case the resulting behavior is not actually the desired behavior. Now, you may be thinking to yourself that if I get good grades on things regardless of when they are completed, shouldn't time of completion be completely irrelevant? One would think. Unfortunately my procrastination and generally the way I operate my life from time to time, (and this is the third thing) turns me helplessly mad. The worst part about my helpless madness is that this madness could be easily averted, i.e. helped. Procrastination shouldn't be an issue. Procrastination, as it stands, from my perspective anyway, is a non issue. You get an assignment, do it. It is really that easy. The best part about not procrastinating is that I get that sense of (obvious) accomplishment, things are done plenty early, and I'm left with copious amounts of free time that can be spent how I please, which is how I generally spend the time pre-accomplishments in the present. Fourth, procrastinating and what it has done to me makes me feel like a useless piece of shit. It makes me feel this way because no matter the amount of attempted motivation I put forth towards this issue, everything always falls apart and I continue to procrastinate. Fifth, if I procrastinate on something so long that it gets too close to the due date, I may just not do it, not show up to class that day, or go to the professor with a completely bullshit excuse that they will believe because I am an excellent bullshitter. With that, my acting skills help and hinder me on a daily basis. Sixth, another issue with my procrastinating and I suppose is the issue with procrastination as a whole, is that we end up doing the work eventually anyway and the same amount of time is taken from our lives. Why would we not just do it, get it over with, then have a very clear amount of time that we're allowed to spend however we please. Seventh and finally procrastination led me to do something I've only told one person and I wish to never think about again after I write it down now. I waited weeks and weeks to write and formulate an eight minute speech that I had to present. I started writing the speech around 8pm the night before it was to be presented, at 9:15am. This was an eight minute speech and not even the tons of adderall could've helped me at that point. Here's where the morals get grey: There was a girl named Millie who was in the theatre department with me, I'd seen every single day for months, rehearsed, and performed with who had died recently. We were all broken up about it, but I quickly came to terms with the finite nature of the situation and was therefore less perturbed than everyone else who had not yet. My professor, being assosiated with the theatre department and a sympathetic adult, agreed to let a couple girls who were also in the theatre department do their speech at a later date. After hearing this, the night before my speech when I was frantically trying to figure it out, I realized that I could email my professor saying that I too had been rather affected by her death and he would hopefully let me do it at another time. I was completely fine and had I had my speech already completed or mostly completed, I would never have asked. But I procrastinated so I used a girls death as a method to allow for my silly behavior. I got an A on that speech. I like to hope i've made my point by now.

Its stupid things like this that make me think frequently of something I read on someone's Tumblr: "you can't hate me more than i hate myself." I just keep spiraling down into pits of self-loathing and I don't know how to motivate myself to climb up the ladder, rope, or teleportation device that have been given to me to get out of this extremely simple nonissue.

Since this has gotten to the point where I believe I am the only one who reads this, I'd just like to thank myself for writing my thoughts such as these down. I'll appreciate looking back on my nineteen-year-old perspective when I'm older.

I'm going to consider going to sleep now so that I can get up and do that homework I planned on finishing over the weekend (It is Sunday at 11:50 and I have class in about twelve hours. I hope to write here again somewhat soon with a writing of a complete overhaul. This has been going on for years now, so we'll see. I'm skeptical right now, but I have high hopes for myself seeing as I have a desire for progress as a nineteen-year-old nowhere near adult crises.

Enjoy.

*Writing things down for the sake of helping myself process things is the other reason I'm doing this.

Just, no

I need to write this down because I don't have anyone here at this school to talk to. I'll just start writing. There's this person in my class who keeps asking me to go get lunch with them afterwards. I continually tell them that I can't because "I have shit to do." This person is now under the impression that I am extremely studious and do nothing but homework. It isn't that I don't like this person, I mean I kind of don't. But. I'd rather spend time by myself because most of these fucking people don't interest me at all. I've stopped caring about being rude to the point that she was asking me all the way from class to the cafeteria if I would eat with her. We got to the lady who scans our ids and after the girl got hers scanned, she looked at me as I was about to get mine scanned and said don't do it don't do it, but I told the lady I wanted a to-go box. I knew that If I went to lunch then other people they knew would show up, and I wouldn't know them or like them and I would just sit there in silence when I could be in my room attempting to stimulate my mind. Back to the not having anyone to talk to business. It is pretty unfortunate. With the lack of communication and the massive amounts of being busy, and major difference these circumstances are from what I'm used to, I feel like I'm living outside of reality. No one here really knows me at all. No one here knows my real opinion on things because there is no need in sharing such information. Often times people will say things that I will very much disagree with but I'll just say yeah and we'll move on because they'll either get all pissed off or tell people about what I think because that's what everyone here does. Everyone is trying to get into everyone else's business. Fortunately I completely stay out of it. I keep hearing that there is a whole lot of drama going on, apparently so extreme in some cases that people want to leave the school. I have no idea about any of it and tell people not to tell me, because I don't want to know. More often than not it is some stupid bullshit that no one should be upset about. I generally feel like I'm the only person with any common fucking sense and deep appreciation for rationality. I'll give you an example of some stupid shit: I'm currently in a show wherein there are three one act plays performed. My show goes last. During one of the tech rehearsals by the time they were ready for our show to go up, all of the other actors in the other performances left already and we had been there since the beginning. Our director became surprisingly upset to the point where she was yelling that she was going to go home and drink heavily and she started crying, it was all very amusing. She was telling the crew that it was unacceptable and her cast was pissed that everyone else left and we had to stay. First of all, our cast wasn't pissed. She asked us, and as per usual, I didn't say anything. I didn't care at all. It didn't even cross my mind until she furiously brought it up. From my perspective it would be rude to make them stay. There wasn't any reason for them to. We went last so we have to wait, that's how the fuck it goes. Accept it, don't get mad. It would be ludicrous for us to have expected them to stay. Also, people who feel the need to share personal information with you without any questions that would warrent such behavior, are just obnoxious. Yes, I realize that you are doing my makeup and neither of us are saying anything, and yes I realize that we got drunk together with your roommate and her friends the other night, but do you realize that I'm not responding to anything you're saying because I want you to stop talking and did you realize that I spent way more time hanging out with your friends at your party than you, because you annoy the shit out of me? I have to use the restroom and then go to work and then study and then perform my show and then study some more and then pass out from being sleep deprived. I need to get laid. Goodbye.

My Intense Disappointment | A Melodrama

I was just written up for drinking on campus. I don't know what the consequences are but I've heard that first offense isn't too bad, it is essentially a slap on the wrist, i.e. $25 fine and a class? I'm not completely sure. I don't care at all. Shit happens. My concerns lay elsewhere. Specifically in the fact that because of my being written up, I won't be able to go to this other party where there is this girl who seriously wanted me to go to the party she was going to and was overjoyed when she found out that I was headed there after I made a stop at this one dude's room. It has been an extremely long time since a girl has sent extremely positive signals towards me and I've wanted to reciprocate. Granted it has only happened a couple times wherein I didn't want to reciprocate. I don't know what it is, but I just don't attract very many girls. That is simply, apparently, just the way it is. The moment I was written up I was instantly disappointed because I knew at that moment that I wasn't going to be able to go to that party and at least talk to this girl. She was clearly interested in me, and those conversations always go wonderfully for me. Sure my ultimate dream goal, as is always the ultimate goal, was to sleep with this girl but I don't even care so much about that (regardless of it being three months since I last had sex or any sort of physical contact with a girl). I am upset because I don't get to make some sort of connection with a person who likes me on an emotional level. Or even just a conversation. Because holy fucking shit balls. I feel like I haven't had a legitimate conversation with anyone in several months. Sure, I realized that I spend a hefty majority of my time stoned watching TV in my room, but my lack of connection with other people, specifically girls, is astonishing. I feel like I'm loosing touch with reality, the amount of time I spend in my own head. The possibility of that happening for me tonight feels even worse when I consider the odds are of that happening. Like I said, girls tend to not like me, so I certainly wasn't expecting anything. That's why I don't want to go to these parties in the first place, well, to be honest it is also because I really don't give a shit about these people and simply don't want to party with them, but even still, the likelihood of one of the more attractive girls being attracted to me is such a small probability that there is hardly a point in me going. People tell me that people are always asking where I am, but I'm sure they don't really care. I mean, why would they? I'm good for some jokes, but unless we're good friends, I'm no good at your party. Your foreign behavior is far too outlandish for the amount of time I've know you. I'm sure I've deviated somewhat from my goal in writing this since it just happened a little while ago so I'll wrap this up. I was written up. I don't get to connect with someone potentially on an intimate warm and fuzzy way. Girls don't like me. I'm going to smoke myself into a stupor because I know that even the possibility of connection won't happen for a while. Deep. Fucking. Sigh. I'm choosing not to reread because I'm sure the hilarity of the melodrama in this piece of writing will amuse me in the morning, or the self-loathing will just make me sad. Either way: Alas, as time goes on, the fact that I'm feeling something for someone, makes me happy. Goodnight.