Day 13

Tomorrow's the day and I'm really happy I have to work today. I've been doing maybe too good of a job of not thinking about this, but at this point I think I've rattled my brain in and out of all the conceivable options as to what's going to happen next. It's funny, usually I would over-analyze the next step, but she makes me feel so comfortable at this point that I'm not even really worried about or considering the whole, who-talks-first scenario. If I get a message from her at 12:01am, I'll be equally as elated then as I would be if I don't hear from her until 5pm. She surely will have some things she wants to say, so when she starts, I'll just have to let her go. And hopefully this doesn't lead to me truly having to let her go. I want her in my life. That's all I know. I've ebbed and flowed through this too much. We're good for each other, but the timing was crucial and wrong. However, if she's willing to stay in my life and manage to keep her self sane all the while remaining in her current relationship, then I'm fully on board. If she can't separate me from him, which it was becoming a damn-near impossibility towards the end there, then we have to separate from each other and I have to let her live her life. I desperately don't want to stop this chapter, but it's essentially become the narrative for the whole book at this point. As much as I'd love to be selfish and keep her with me for the foreseeable future, if it destroys her, I don't think I could live with that. It'd be so unbelievably unfair.

I'm curious and mostly at this point I've calmed myself down about the whole thing I just want to hear from her again. I also want the cavalcade of feelings from wanting her to lay here with me, to get dinner with me, to sit on my face, to live our lives together, to let me rip into her, but I can't have any of those things, so I'll take writing to her and her writing back as the biggest solace of all. I just want her. However I can be with her, I'll take it.

Day 8

There's a weird dissonance happening here. I feel more and more distant from this situation with each passing day, yet in so many fresh situations I find myself in, I pine for her to be there. It's like the more I separate myself from her, the calmer my realistic emotional feelings are for her. And that doesn't make any sense. Maybe not as an idea and maybe not even as a sentence, syntactically. I think what I mean by that, is that I'm in an ever-growing, true state of feeling feelings for a woman that are almost exclusively not sexual at all. I think I've romanticized the idea of being in a relationship for such a long time, that whenever I think about her, I always think about her presence. Life could be so much better and I continually let it walk away. Fuck, I'm not really learning anything new here, am I?

"I'm better off, baby, when I'm all alone. It's a lie." Nothing like drinking too much and a little 90s throwback emo music in the form of Beach Slang to get you in the mood. I'm so unbelievably looking forward to talking to her again. But I'm genuinely scared as to what she's going to say. This is yet another moment that essentially boils down to the fact that something has to happen. It's either going to be good or it's going to be bad. And I'm pretty sure it's not going to feel great. It's worth speaking to her again, even if it's just for a few minutes. Life is short and I've squandered a lot of it, as I believe I've made fucking abundantly clear at this point, so it's necessary that I talk to her again. Less than a week to go. Hopefully I allow myself to feel better about a number of things between now and then. I miss the sense of happiness and emotional consistency flowered by occasional chaos.

Day 7

In a few hours it will have been a week and dear god it feels like it's been far longer than that.

Day 6

She was in my dream last night. I didn't actually see her face, but I knew it was her. That's always an interesting thing to me. I rarely see fully faces in my dreams, but I always know exactly who it was when I wake up. It's obviously my subconscious, so the feeling of whoever it happens to be's presence is readily apparent. Context: I was sneaking out of a performance that my friend Elizabeth was putting on for reasons based wholly in it being too-theater-y, essentially. I was walking towards a staircase headed down from at least the second story of a warehouse. I walked just past the entrance to those warehouse doors that are on a sliding pulley system, and she was sitting at the back of the crowd on the ground (as was everyone else, obviously. read: "too-theater-y"). Again, I didn't see her face, but I had to know if it was her. She was facing away from not only me, but the performance in a very unnatural way, which was curious. Once she started to turn, I continued down the stairs because I think I was avoiding her. Maybe because of this whole fortnight break I knew that I was supposed to not talk to her. My dreams are very professional. It also became a completely different dream

My writing will continue to tangent appropriately with how life fragments. Isn't that obnoxiously poignant? I just came from from my Sunday night ritual of going to the poolhall here, since it's free all day Sundays and bars/restaurants/establishments share my understanding that the day doesn't change until everything is closed and you've gone to sleep. Sure, it's Monday, but, it's Sunday. As I've made this comment many times before, I'll say it again: It's rare that I'll wake up in the same day that I woke up in prior. Man, that sounds really obviously and fucking stupid. Damn. I had a pithier way of explaining it, but my poolhall/stood-for-9-hours-physically tired mind, can't put these thoughts together. SO. I'll get to my small point. I had many a moment earlier where I couldn't stop thinking about what it'd be like to be in a functional relationship with someone. To really share my life with someone. To share our lives with each other, really. There could be egotism around and in the details, but there'd be adjacent awareness, I'm sure. My feeling of comfort for her is oddly varying and not stable, if that makes sense. I mean, she makes me comfortable in the sense that we wouldn't have to be sitting around for a stasis to exist. A stasis could come from physical exploration with reality and each other. I'd love to explore being in a relationship, and I can't think of a better woman to be in one with. Fuck. Hahaha, nothing is consistent here, is it? This is still weirdly calm for me. Maybe my awareness that nothing will really come of this is keeping me calm. Maybe I really love hypothesizing. I think both of these ideas are completely true. I've mistakenly taken a lot of things really seriously because I've been organized into a mental system that says to live your life a certain way. But. Nothing is set, nor should it be. I've been thinking about this often; if her and I become a possibility, I think I should go for it. Right now, I honestly think we should talk about it awhile. HA! Awhile. Awhile. Awhile. What a throw-away word. I mostly just mean standing behind our radical honesty policy. I wish my fingers knew to automatically annotate when and how I scratch my eye-lids or tussle my own hair. That would make this far more interesting to read and much less non-fictional and pandering to the fucking person who wrote it, you masturbatory fuck. Eh. Alright. I'm gonna wash the smell of smoke and self-loathing off, though it will surely linger from the clothes it bathed in the past couple hours. Day 7 comes in a few hours. Technically a few hours ago, but, read: so much shit I said earlier. Goodnight, self.

Day 5

Day 5 and I finally had this conversation with someone out loud. I'm going to feel so far removed from this when we speak to each other again on the 10th. We still have a ways to go. This is just a continuation of my perception of time in life going very slowly. I just want us both to live our lives. I want whatever is best for her and whatever is best for me. If that means she has to stay with her boyfriend, then so be it. I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I stand by the fact that there are forces in the universe out of my control and certainly beyond any of our understanding. So maybe we'll reconnect with each other in the future after my stint in Nashville. That may be over next August. Or I'll be here for years. I don't know. I think us talking all the time could either be dangerous if she's still in a relationship. I'm not going to re-read all of the shit I've written until this is all over, so I'll probably be rehashing a lot of the same shit and maybe inadvertently some development will come of this. I don't know if it's this fucking weather, but I think there's a possibility that since we're physically so far apart that if we kept talking and she wasn't in a relationship, things could be okay.