Motivation to End Procrastination

I have a serious issue with motivation. It has been like this for years. As long as I can remember I've gotten away with doing the minimal amount. My parents have always done everything for me and I've never done anything for myself. Its unforgivable. My lack of motivation and extreme skill at procrastination has landed me in a position where I can't even motivate myself to become motivated. Its like I'm going backwards in the process of getting things done.

My issues with my procrastination are as follows. First, I often procrastinate so much that I put myself in a position where I have to stay up all night long to get homework assignments done, because homework takes me ages to do anyway. Second, generally speaking whenever I procrastinate on something (which I'm obviously doing right now, mind you*) I end up getting a decent grade. This is horrible positive reinforcement, except in this case the resulting behavior is not actually the desired behavior. Now, you may be thinking to yourself that if I get good grades on things regardless of when they are completed, shouldn't time of completion be completely irrelevant? One would think. Unfortunately my procrastination and generally the way I operate my life from time to time, (and this is the third thing) turns me helplessly mad. The worst part about my helpless madness is that this madness could be easily averted, i.e. helped. Procrastination shouldn't be an issue. Procrastination, as it stands, from my perspective anyway, is a non issue. You get an assignment, do it. It is really that easy. The best part about not procrastinating is that I get that sense of (obvious) accomplishment, things are done plenty early, and I'm left with copious amounts of free time that can be spent how I please, which is how I generally spend the time pre-accomplishments in the present. Fourth, procrastinating and what it has done to me makes me feel like a useless piece of shit. It makes me feel this way because no matter the amount of attempted motivation I put forth towards this issue, everything always falls apart and I continue to procrastinate. Fifth, if I procrastinate on something so long that it gets too close to the due date, I may just not do it, not show up to class that day, or go to the professor with a completely bullshit excuse that they will believe because I am an excellent bullshitter. With that, my acting skills help and hinder me on a daily basis. Sixth, another issue with my procrastinating and I suppose is the issue with procrastination as a whole, is that we end up doing the work eventually anyway and the same amount of time is taken from our lives. Why would we not just do it, get it over with, then have a very clear amount of time that we're allowed to spend however we please. Seventh and finally procrastination led me to do something I've only told one person and I wish to never think about again after I write it down now. I waited weeks and weeks to write and formulate an eight minute speech that I had to present. I started writing the speech around 8pm the night before it was to be presented, at 9:15am. This was an eight minute speech and not even the tons of adderall could've helped me at that point. Here's where the morals get grey: There was a girl named Millie who was in the theatre department with me, I'd seen every single day for months, rehearsed, and performed with who had died recently. We were all broken up about it, but I quickly came to terms with the finite nature of the situation and was therefore less perturbed than everyone else who had not yet. My professor, being assosiated with the theatre department and a sympathetic adult, agreed to let a couple girls who were also in the theatre department do their speech at a later date. After hearing this, the night before my speech when I was frantically trying to figure it out, I realized that I could email my professor saying that I too had been rather affected by her death and he would hopefully let me do it at another time. I was completely fine and had I had my speech already completed or mostly completed, I would never have asked. But I procrastinated so I used a girls death as a method to allow for my silly behavior. I got an A on that speech. I like to hope i've made my point by now.

Its stupid things like this that make me think frequently of something I read on someone's Tumblr: "you can't hate me more than i hate myself." I just keep spiraling down into pits of self-loathing and I don't know how to motivate myself to climb up the ladder, rope, or teleportation device that have been given to me to get out of this extremely simple nonissue.

Since this has gotten to the point where I believe I am the only one who reads this, I'd just like to thank myself for writing my thoughts such as these down. I'll appreciate looking back on my nineteen-year-old perspective when I'm older.

I'm going to consider going to sleep now so that I can get up and do that homework I planned on finishing over the weekend (It is Sunday at 11:50 and I have class in about twelve hours. I hope to write here again somewhat soon with a writing of a complete overhaul. This has been going on for years now, so we'll see. I'm skeptical right now, but I have high hopes for myself seeing as I have a desire for progress as a nineteen-year-old nowhere near adult crises.

Enjoy.

*Writing things down for the sake of helping myself process things is the other reason I'm doing this.