Nana, I Love You

My procrastination has inadvertently brought me to a new low I never could've foresaw. I haven't seen my grandmother on my dad's side for three years because she lives in New Zealand and for some reason none of us have gone down there to visit. That being said, not only my grandmother I haven't seen but my entire dad's side of the family. Among that group just so happens to also be my brother which disappoints me greatly, today especially. I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I hadn't gone down to see my family in so long, and my grandma is just such a fantastic person and now that I'm so much older I would've loved to see and talk with her. I woke up this morning with a missed call and a text from my mom. I called her immediately thereafter because a call so early in the morning and a text was a bit unnerving for me. My dad answered. He told me that my grandmother had died shortly beforehand in New Zealand. I'm having a very bad day to say the least. I can't stop thinking about that I haven't thought about my nana so much in the past three years than I have in the past few weeks. The fact that I was so close to getting in contact with her and potentially restarting up a beautiful relation/friendship but missed out on that opportunity is completely tearing me apart. Another terrible thing is that the last time she saw me and my mom she was upset with us beacuse we were moving out of New Zealand, most of which was completely my fault because I begged to leave beause I was unhappy. I was sixteen and I was selfish and I had no idea the importance of relationships with other people, most of all your own loving family who you would do absolutely anything for. Now there is nothing. I was on a mental journey to reconnect with a loved one and the train crashed into a haphazardly placed red brick wall. And then there was nothing. No possibility of reconnection, no laughs, no conversation, no smiles, no hugs, no more memories. Death is a hard concept for us to interpret because nothing is quite so finite. Finished. Full stop. Nothing. Nana I love you so very much and I'm going to miss you more than I can explain today. I just wish I could've seen you one last time. I take solace in the fact that you died pain free and in a short period of time. Our lives have once again shifted. What happens after this is under the reigns of a new train of thought. Nothing can be the same after this and we must seize the opportunity for growth. I love you Doris Budd and you will be forever missed.