The Ramblings of Youth, or and Then Depression Set In

I'm going through something of a quarter-life crisis right now. Unfortunately it isn't the kind of crisis where I've completely destroyed myself and have to build from the bottom up. I say unfortunately because that's the kind of crisis where one has no choice but to rebuild or die. I'm in a crisis where I simply hate almost everything about myself and my choices and the only thing that is going to bring me to a point of genuine change is either self-destruction or massive will power. To an extent, my will power is very effective. To another extent my will power can't get me to do a goddamn thing. It all depends on the circumstances. Even though the circumstances of this situation is the barrier between me and actual happiness, whatever the hell that is.
I've recently started going to counseling. I like going to counseling because I feel like someone actually cares about me. Most of the people I know, friends and family, don't put forth any actual effort to see if I'm doing alright. I started opening up to my mom on the phone and she sort of laughed an dismissed me. I know that she loves me to death and cares deeply for me and would do anything for me, but it doesn't show sometimes. When it comes to other people I feel like I'm putting forth the most effort and everyone else sort of just uses me when it is most convenient for them. Stemming from that, I don't feel like I get any respect from anyone. I spend so much time caring for other people and I never feel like I get anything back.
My life is a mess right now. I feel like I'm wasting it. There are so many opportunities, and I spend my time locked in my room with shit everywhere, laundry that hasn't been done in over a month because I can't be bothered walking mere feet to the machines. I'm destroying myself and I'm not doing anything to stop it. I feel like I could murder someone or start crying at any given moment but I can't and I don't because nothing really matters and I feel empty inside.
My parents are considering moving to Florida in the coming year. I'm alright with it. If it makes them happy, then more power to them. It is December 4. This means that the semester is coming to a close. I don't care. I wish it weren't. I say that because I don't really want to go home. I don't want to be around the same people again who inadvertently make me feel shitty about myself. I don't want break to happen because I don't want to have to pretend to be happy. I just want to stay here and make a positive change. I may have to self-destruct in order to get anything done. I'm so sad. I'm so very very sad.