He Wears a Red Bandana. Plays a Cool Piano.

The title of this piece of writing originally had nothing to do with what I was about to say. In the nature of rambling, I'll making it about what I'm going to say. I wish I was as happy always as I am for the few minutes that this song plays. Listen to it and tell me it doesn't fill you with joy. Aside, watching Death Proof might help. Great fucking movie. I also wish I was as happy always as I was when that movie ended and I was speechless with satisfaction. No matter. The here and now is what is important. What here and now is is my far too warm room in my apartment the now, circumstantially, is in the midst of writing a five-page paper wishing two things, among the many I'm prepetually wishing for. First is that I would just focus. I wish I would simply put all this extra shit away and write this goddamn paper. In all honesty, I have all the ideas laid out, I've been thinking about it all day. A day is all the time and forethought I honestly need to put into something in order for it to become successful. (Seriously, with no personal research of my own I wrote a 9-page paper in under a day. I got an A-. I'm just awful.) If I were to simply crank out all of these ideas, I bet I'd have five pages within the hour, which would be ideal since I have class in over eight hours as well as an assignment for that class due. Second is that I wish my counsellor would've showed up to our scheduled meeting today. I've had a lot of bullshit running through my head and as my avid readers (HA!) will know, talking to someone who will actually respond to me would be a much needed change of pace. That didn't happen though. For whatever reason my counsellor called in sick, but I wasn't made aware of this. I showed up fifteen minutes late for the meeting itself, filled out my pre-meeting forms, waited for twenty minutes, then for another five as everyone looked around for her, only to find out that I was free to go and could come back on Wednesday. It is likely that I'm looking at my situation and the world unnecessarily harsh, but I can't help but do it because you can't help but be who you are. If I don't do something to wake myself up I'll end up going to sleep, skipping my final Evo. lab for the semester, easy ten points, another easy ten points, probably a lecture, and then I'll ultimately wake up at 10am, over rested, then crank out the paper in an hour anyway. I wish it wasn't so fucking cold outside so I could just grab all my shit, head over to campus and write this out outside where I'll be less tempted to physically harm myself. College is arguably pointless for someone like me. If I don't successfully complete this transition period I appear to be in, it is all over for me. I will have wasted the latter part of my formative years and will either need to make rash life decisions, or jump off of something tall. I really don't actually want to do the latter, so I'm going to open my window, let the cold in, go outside, walk around a bit, then come in here and write until my hands can't move. Pass out, probably miss classes anyway. Fuck it, am I right? No. I'm not. Ugh. Goodnight place I go to whine and annoy myself at how bitchy and faux-problematic I am. My problems are nothing. Haha, shit I am so insignificant but I think so highly of myself sometimes. Like when I write this down as if anyone actually, seriously cares. They might. But deep down, I kind of doubt it. I need to leave.