Tomorrow's the day and I'm really happy I have to work today. I've been doing maybe too good of a job of not thinking about this, but at this point I think I've rattled my brain in and out of all the conceivable options as to what's going to happen next. It's funny, usually I would over-analyze the next step, but she makes me feel so comfortable at this point that I'm not even really worried about or considering the whole, who-talks-first scenario. If I get a message from her at 12:01am, I'll be equally as elated then as I would be if I don't hear from her until 5pm. She surely will have some things she wants to say, so when she starts, I'll just have to let her go. And hopefully this doesn't lead to me truly having to let her go. I want her in my life. That's all I know. I've ebbed and flowed through this too much. We're good for each other, but the timing was crucial and wrong. However, if she's willing to stay in my life and manage to keep her self sane all the while remaining in her current relationship, then I'm fully on board. If she can't separate me from him, which it was becoming a damn-near impossibility towards the end there, then we have to separate from each other and I have to let her live her life. I desperately don't want to stop this chapter, but it's essentially become the narrative for the whole book at this point. As much as I'd love to be selfish and keep her with me for the foreseeable future, if it destroys her, I don't think I could live with that. It'd be so unbelievably unfair.
I'm curious and mostly at this point I've calmed myself down about the whole thing I just want to hear from her again. I also want the cavalcade of feelings from wanting her to lay here with me, to get dinner with me, to sit on my face, to live our lives together, to let me rip into her, but I can't have any of those things, so I'll take writing to her and her writing back as the biggest solace of all. I just want her. However I can be with her, I'll take it.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Day 8
There's a weird dissonance happening here. I feel more and more distant from this situation with each passing day, yet in so many fresh situations I find myself in, I pine for her to be there. It's like the more I separate myself from her, the calmer my realistic emotional feelings are for her. And that doesn't make any sense. Maybe not as an idea and maybe not even as a sentence, syntactically. I think what I mean by that, is that I'm in an ever-growing, true state of feeling feelings for a woman that are almost exclusively not sexual at all. I think I've romanticized the idea of being in a relationship for such a long time, that whenever I think about her, I always think about her presence. Life could be so much better and I continually let it walk away. Fuck, I'm not really learning anything new here, am I?
"I'm better off, baby, when I'm all alone. It's a lie." Nothing like drinking too much and a little 90s throwback emo music in the form of Beach Slang to get you in the mood. I'm so unbelievably looking forward to talking to her again. But I'm genuinely scared as to what she's going to say. This is yet another moment that essentially boils down to the fact that something has to happen. It's either going to be good or it's going to be bad. And I'm pretty sure it's not going to feel great. It's worth speaking to her again, even if it's just for a few minutes. Life is short and I've squandered a lot of it, as I believe I've made fucking abundantly clear at this point, so it's necessary that I talk to her again. Less than a week to go. Hopefully I allow myself to feel better about a number of things between now and then. I miss the sense of happiness and emotional consistency flowered by occasional chaos.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Day 7
In a few hours it will have been a week and dear god it feels like it's been far longer than that.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Day 6
She was in my dream last night. I didn't actually see her face, but I knew it was her. That's always an interesting thing to me. I rarely see fully faces in my dreams, but I always know exactly who it was when I wake up. It's obviously my subconscious, so the feeling of whoever it happens to be's presence is readily apparent. Context: I was sneaking out of a performance that my friend Elizabeth was putting on for reasons based wholly in it being too-theater-y, essentially. I was walking towards a staircase headed down from at least the second story of a warehouse. I walked just past the entrance to those warehouse doors that are on a sliding pulley system, and she was sitting at the back of the crowd on the ground (as was everyone else, obviously. read: "too-theater-y"). Again, I didn't see her face, but I had to know if it was her. She was facing away from not only me, but the performance in a very unnatural way, which was curious. Once she started to turn, I continued down the stairs because I think I was avoiding her. Maybe because of this whole fortnight break I knew that I was supposed to not talk to her. My dreams are very professional. It also became a completely different dream
My writing will continue to tangent appropriately with how life fragments. Isn't that obnoxiously poignant? I just came from from my Sunday night ritual of going to the poolhall here, since it's free all day Sundays and bars/restaurants/establishments share my understanding that the day doesn't change until everything is closed and you've gone to sleep. Sure, it's Monday, but, it's Sunday. As I've made this comment many times before, I'll say it again: It's rare that I'll wake up in the same day that I woke up in prior. Man, that sounds really obviously and fucking stupid. Damn. I had a pithier way of explaining it, but my poolhall/stood-for-9-hours-physically tired mind, can't put these thoughts together. SO. I'll get to my small point. I had many a moment earlier where I couldn't stop thinking about what it'd be like to be in a functional relationship with someone. To really share my life with someone. To share our lives with each other, really. There could be egotism around and in the details, but there'd be adjacent awareness, I'm sure. My feeling of comfort for her is oddly varying and not stable, if that makes sense. I mean, she makes me comfortable in the sense that we wouldn't have to be sitting around for a stasis to exist. A stasis could come from physical exploration with reality and each other. I'd love to explore being in a relationship, and I can't think of a better woman to be in one with. Fuck. Hahaha, nothing is consistent here, is it? This is still weirdly calm for me. Maybe my awareness that nothing will really come of this is keeping me calm. Maybe I really love hypothesizing. I think both of these ideas are completely true. I've mistakenly taken a lot of things really seriously because I've been organized into a mental system that says to live your life a certain way. But. Nothing is set, nor should it be. I've been thinking about this often; if her and I become a possibility, I think I should go for it. Right now, I honestly think we should talk about it awhile. HA! Awhile. Awhile. Awhile. What a throw-away word. I mostly just mean standing behind our radical honesty policy. I wish my fingers knew to automatically annotate when and how I scratch my eye-lids or tussle my own hair. That would make this far more interesting to read and much less non-fictional and pandering to the fucking person who wrote it, you masturbatory fuck. Eh. Alright. I'm gonna wash the smell of smoke and self-loathing off, though it will surely linger from the clothes it bathed in the past couple hours. Day 7 comes in a few hours. Technically a few hours ago, but, read: so much shit I said earlier. Goodnight, self.
My writing will continue to tangent appropriately with how life fragments. Isn't that obnoxiously poignant? I just came from from my Sunday night ritual of going to the poolhall here, since it's free all day Sundays and bars/restaurants/establishments share my understanding that the day doesn't change until everything is closed and you've gone to sleep. Sure, it's Monday, but, it's Sunday. As I've made this comment many times before, I'll say it again: It's rare that I'll wake up in the same day that I woke up in prior. Man, that sounds really obviously and fucking stupid. Damn. I had a pithier way of explaining it, but my poolhall/stood-for-9-hours-physically tired mind, can't put these thoughts together. SO. I'll get to my small point. I had many a moment earlier where I couldn't stop thinking about what it'd be like to be in a functional relationship with someone. To really share my life with someone. To share our lives with each other, really. There could be egotism around and in the details, but there'd be adjacent awareness, I'm sure. My feeling of comfort for her is oddly varying and not stable, if that makes sense. I mean, she makes me comfortable in the sense that we wouldn't have to be sitting around for a stasis to exist. A stasis could come from physical exploration with reality and each other. I'd love to explore being in a relationship, and I can't think of a better woman to be in one with. Fuck. Hahaha, nothing is consistent here, is it? This is still weirdly calm for me. Maybe my awareness that nothing will really come of this is keeping me calm. Maybe I really love hypothesizing. I think both of these ideas are completely true. I've mistakenly taken a lot of things really seriously because I've been organized into a mental system that says to live your life a certain way. But. Nothing is set, nor should it be. I've been thinking about this often; if her and I become a possibility, I think I should go for it. Right now, I honestly think we should talk about it awhile. HA! Awhile. Awhile. Awhile. What a throw-away word. I mostly just mean standing behind our radical honesty policy. I wish my fingers knew to automatically annotate when and how I scratch my eye-lids or tussle my own hair. That would make this far more interesting to read and much less non-fictional and pandering to the fucking person who wrote it, you masturbatory fuck. Eh. Alright. I'm gonna wash the smell of smoke and self-loathing off, though it will surely linger from the clothes it bathed in the past couple hours. Day 7 comes in a few hours. Technically a few hours ago, but, read: so much shit I said earlier. Goodnight, self.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Day 5
Day 5 and I finally had this conversation with someone out loud. I'm going to feel so far removed from this when we speak to each other again on the 10th. We still have a ways to go. This is just a continuation of my perception of time in life going very slowly. I just want us both to live our lives. I want whatever is best for her and whatever is best for me. If that means she has to stay with her boyfriend, then so be it. I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I stand by the fact that there are forces in the universe out of my control and certainly beyond any of our understanding. So maybe we'll reconnect with each other in the future after my stint in Nashville. That may be over next August. Or I'll be here for years. I don't know. I think us talking all the time could either be dangerous if she's still in a relationship. I'm not going to re-read all of the shit I've written until this is all over, so I'll probably be rehashing a lot of the same shit and maybe inadvertently some development will come of this. I don't know if it's this fucking weather, but I think there's a possibility that since we're physically so far apart that if we kept talking and she wasn't in a relationship, things could be okay.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Day 4
Officially day 4.
...he wrote many, many hours ago. It's now 11:41pm on this rainy Friday night. I don't know if it's raining anymore, but it was raining when I was out earlier today and that likely colored most of my mood. I had a pretty decent day, actually. The temperature was perfectly early 60s and it was dreary, not very windy a little rainy with a nip in the air. It was autumn like I forgot existed in this humid, Tennessee 90+ degree weather of the past few weeks. Today felt good though. I still am far from being put together, but it was the first day, stemming from coming home last night, when I felt like I was comfortable being here. It was the first day where I've thought back into my mind and remembered that I live in Nashville, which is still kind of crazy, but it felt commonplace. Walking outside of this little restaurant with my brother and his girlfriend to my bike in the wet air, it felt like my surroundings were a blanket again. Like I could run this town. And I was comfortable. I think the problem with thinking rationally about my potential for a relationship with this woman is that we're so fucking far away from each other, that it doesn't even seem real. I see women who do nothing for me and that immediately makes me think of her, but those thoughts seem outrageous because there's nothing I can do with those thoughts. They're just little things I get to mentally explore, but I think I still ultimately feel dejected about this whole thing because it doesn't feel like anything. It specifically feels like nothing and that's confusing. I should feel stronger about this, but what's that going to do? It's going to leave me right where I am, just more or less still resolute in my current state of stasis about it. I mean, motherfucker I want her to stay in my life because something may happen in the future and I just enjoy her, but right now that all just seems like me wasting her time and making everything so much more difficult for her. I so wish I knew what was on her mind, but maybe that's the real point of this. We're allowing the communication to breakdown on it's own without communicating until another couple Mondays from now. I'm so very curious to see where we stand on the 10th. This is all going to feel like a dream. And any further written discussion with myself and then with her when that eventually happens will likely seem absurd. Hopefully we don't start this process all over. We very well may, but I think when we eventually start talking to each other again, it's going to be like taking a breath. It'll be a rare feeling of breathing though, I think. It'll be the realization that we've been breathing this whole time and then taking a full, deep-lung breath and that you've been making a mistake this whole time, but it's okay because something finally came back to normal. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me in this moment. I feel okay about this. It's horribly upsetting and my future of having a functional relationship with a woman gets more and more distant. But. I feel okay right now. Happy October.
...he wrote many, many hours ago. It's now 11:41pm on this rainy Friday night. I don't know if it's raining anymore, but it was raining when I was out earlier today and that likely colored most of my mood. I had a pretty decent day, actually. The temperature was perfectly early 60s and it was dreary, not very windy a little rainy with a nip in the air. It was autumn like I forgot existed in this humid, Tennessee 90+ degree weather of the past few weeks. Today felt good though. I still am far from being put together, but it was the first day, stemming from coming home last night, when I felt like I was comfortable being here. It was the first day where I've thought back into my mind and remembered that I live in Nashville, which is still kind of crazy, but it felt commonplace. Walking outside of this little restaurant with my brother and his girlfriend to my bike in the wet air, it felt like my surroundings were a blanket again. Like I could run this town. And I was comfortable. I think the problem with thinking rationally about my potential for a relationship with this woman is that we're so fucking far away from each other, that it doesn't even seem real. I see women who do nothing for me and that immediately makes me think of her, but those thoughts seem outrageous because there's nothing I can do with those thoughts. They're just little things I get to mentally explore, but I think I still ultimately feel dejected about this whole thing because it doesn't feel like anything. It specifically feels like nothing and that's confusing. I should feel stronger about this, but what's that going to do? It's going to leave me right where I am, just more or less still resolute in my current state of stasis about it. I mean, motherfucker I want her to stay in my life because something may happen in the future and I just enjoy her, but right now that all just seems like me wasting her time and making everything so much more difficult for her. I so wish I knew what was on her mind, but maybe that's the real point of this. We're allowing the communication to breakdown on it's own without communicating until another couple Mondays from now. I'm so very curious to see where we stand on the 10th. This is all going to feel like a dream. And any further written discussion with myself and then with her when that eventually happens will likely seem absurd. Hopefully we don't start this process all over. We very well may, but I think when we eventually start talking to each other again, it's going to be like taking a breath. It'll be a rare feeling of breathing though, I think. It'll be the realization that we've been breathing this whole time and then taking a full, deep-lung breath and that you've been making a mistake this whole time, but it's okay because something finally came back to normal. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me in this moment. I feel okay about this. It's horribly upsetting and my future of having a functional relationship with a woman gets more and more distant. But. I feel okay right now. Happy October.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Day 3
It's far enough into Day 3 that it's Day 4. I went to my first proper concert, so that whole sobriety plan didn't last too long. There was such a small likelihood that I was going to attend a hard rock show stone cold sober. That said, now I'm a little intoxicated and a little agitated. I don't know if that's entirely true. I think I should have written down my thoughts before all of this happened because I'm in an interestingly different spot now than I was hours ago. Maybe I should just call this day. Maybe I just leave my drunkenness where it is and move on in the morning. This is my fucking problem right now when it comes to drinking, I don't have my sober thoughts in order, so my drunken thoughts take far more effort to align themselves.
You see, this is the problem, when you're out and about and drinking and roaming around and having a good time, all is well. When I get home and my brain becomes mush, it's fucking depressing. I don't want to wade around in this any longer. I had so many things I wanted to write about, but I'm going to call it because I can't handle this right now. I need to go to sleep.
You see, this is the problem, when you're out and about and drinking and roaming around and having a good time, all is well. When I get home and my brain becomes mush, it's fucking depressing. I don't want to wade around in this any longer. I had so many things I wanted to write about, but I'm going to call it because I can't handle this right now. I need to go to sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)