I Know What I Want

I feel like I lie to people a lot. Not lying in the way it is usually thought of, more in a way that I'm never truly myself to people I don't know really well. I always feel like I'm being somebody else. I live inside my own head. I'm always analyzing. Rarely do I act without thinking a lot about it. The way I'm currently living my live concerns me. Not because I'm being reckless or making bad life choices. I'm just making bad choices in silly aspects of my life which is why I'm not making any progress. Procrastination is a small enough of a problem that it doesn't even feel worth fixing, even though I'm currently working on it and I know that I'll be happier because of it. That said, I could improve most aspects of the way I operate my life. I haven't done enough arguably stupid shit. I want to get myself neck deep is unadulterated crazy shit and essentially drive myself into the ground so that I can rebuild and become a better person. I want to listen to so much more music. I want to be able to watch TV and movies and understand them on a deeper level. I want to read far more than I do. I want to be organized. I want to exercise on a regular basis. I want to be more noticeably interesting. I want to get in a fight. I want to get in fights. I want to make bad decisions. I want to cause chaos. I want to destroy something. I want to steal things from people. I want to be better. I want to be a more efficient person. I want to hate myself less. I want to bring my appreciation for life to the surface instead of knowing it and just being a lazy, irresponsible fuck with memory problems because he has been stoned every day for over a year. I want to know interesting people who just want to go out and appreciate life. I want to learn how to be a man. I want to know how to survive on my own. I want to study something interesting. I want someone to fucking hate me. I want someone to genuinely know and understand me, and like what they've come to comprehend. I want to be definitive. I want to learn how to skateboard. I want to go to do something really wrong and get away with it. I want to do terrible things for a long time, then get caught and have to change my perspective on the universe, and thereby better myself with a rounder understanding of things. I want to live anywhere but the U.S. I want to actually not care. I want to experience true change. I want to be part of a revolution. I want to destroy. I want to create. I want to bring to life a human being, and get to experience an extension of myself for decades. I want to get away with justified murder. I want to be appreciated. I want to appreciate myself. I want to learn how to play music. I want to learn how to speak different languages fluently. I want to change someone's life. I want to be happy with myself. I don't want to wake up every morning and have a problem with myself and not feel like I need to change myself. I want to be satisfied and content. I want to actually be angry about something and not just be passive-aggressive. I want to make a difference. I want to be able to die happy. I want to feel like I've lived a life worth living. I want to live.

You can't always get what you want. Good thing I'm not suicidal. How fucked up would that be? Can I live and not hate myself? Can I achieve any of these things? Can I be happy? This didn't make me feel better at all. It is going to be winter and miserable here and things may get much much worse. I need to 'destroy something beautiful'. Goodbye.