Day 4

Officially day 4.

...he wrote many, many hours ago. It's now 11:41pm on this rainy Friday night. I don't know if it's raining anymore, but it was raining when I was out earlier today and that likely colored most of my mood. I had a pretty decent day, actually. The temperature was perfectly early 60s and it was dreary, not very windy a little rainy with a nip in the air. It was autumn like I forgot existed in this humid, Tennessee 90+ degree weather of the past few weeks. Today felt good though. I still am far from being put together, but it was the first day, stemming from coming home last night, when I felt like I was comfortable being here. It was the first day where I've thought back into my mind and remembered that I live in Nashville, which is still kind of crazy, but it felt commonplace. Walking outside of this little restaurant with my brother and his girlfriend to my bike in the wet air, it felt like my surroundings were a blanket again. Like I could run this town. And I was comfortable. I think the problem with thinking rationally about my potential for a relationship with this woman is that we're so fucking far away from each other, that it doesn't even seem real. I see women who do nothing for me and that immediately makes me think of her, but those thoughts seem outrageous because there's nothing I can do with those thoughts. They're just little things I get to mentally explore, but I think I still ultimately feel dejected about this whole thing because it doesn't feel like anything. It specifically feels like nothing and that's confusing. I should feel stronger about this, but what's that going to do? It's going to leave me right where I am, just more or less still resolute in my current state of stasis about it. I mean, motherfucker I want her to stay in my life because something may happen in the future and I just enjoy her, but right now that all just seems like me wasting her time and making everything so much more difficult for her. I so wish I knew what was on her mind, but maybe that's the real point of this. We're allowing the communication to breakdown on it's own without communicating until another couple Mondays from now. I'm so very curious to see where we stand on the 10th. This is all going to feel like a dream. And any further written discussion with myself and then with her when that eventually happens will likely seem absurd. Hopefully we don't start this process all over. We very well may, but I think when we eventually start talking to each other again, it's going to be like taking a breath. It'll be a rare feeling of breathing though, I think. It'll be the realization that we've been breathing this whole time and then taking a full, deep-lung breath and that you've been making a mistake this whole time, but it's okay because something finally came back to normal. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me in this moment. I feel okay about this. It's horribly upsetting and my future of having a functional relationship with a woman gets more and more distant. But. I feel okay right now. Happy October.