Day 1

It's days like today when I realize I've been really numbing myself to the world for a long time and alcohol has been a major catalyst for that. Alcohol and the internet work excellent as distractions from your own reality. And I've been drowning myself in both of those things for a long time now, but none more so than the past couple weeks. I need to get the fuck out of this apartment, but I should write something down. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What happens when the dust settles over these two weeks? Are we out of each others lives? I have a feeling that's what's going to happen. We can't stay in and stay sane, I don't know what the other option is. Right? I mean, she's not going to break up with her boyfriend to be in an already long term relationship, that's psychotic. This house being built is going to drive me up the fucking wall. I think this is the first time since college that I've pined for the weekend or felt the need to turn the music up to drown out another sound, holy shit. I even wonder if she would consider visiting me, or what's going to happen if I were to go up there and visit her. I couldn't conceivably do that for a couple months, probably, but honestly I could make it a two day trip and it'd be pretty easy. This is just such a tricky thing. I want to be with her, but it seems fucking impossible right now. Is this the most important thing? It's the only thing I find myself thinking about anymore. Why have a built this shell around myself though? I keep telling myself to move on. Maybe that's the easier thing, but whenever I think about it I make myself stop thinking about it. No progress is being made and maybe that's why I'm so easy to continually say that nothing is going to come of this. These two weeks or this relationship. Maybe I have to submit to the fact that we emotionally passed each other like ships in the night. I haven't wanted to be in a relationship like this before, it's exciting and it relaxes me when I imagine what our life could be like together, but I've never been in a truly functional relationship, really, so what the fuck do I know. I know myself far more than when I was 18 and in my last relationship. It's just so damn tricky. She's like 880 some miles away from me, we'd have to submit to changing our lives. Man, she should just move with me to New Zealand or Australia. She'd fucking love those places. The future with her looks more and more bleak with each passing day as I get calmer. We'll see how I feel in two weeks. I'll keep this open and try to post at the end of each day. I'm going to go deposit this check, go find a green space to do some reading and maybe grab some grub somewhere. Financially, I should just grab my rice and chicken sausage and call it there. We'll see.

I'm gonna detox. I'm going to cold turkey this alcoholism until next Tuesday, that'll be my goal. Instead, I'm gonna start working out, finally go find a court I can shoot some hoops first thing in the morning. I think the alcohol has clouded my ability to really process this whole thing. I need to take better care of myself and take further control over my mind and then over my life. I'm not sure if things would be different if I had taken everything more seriously over the past few years. I don't even know if it was for a lack of taking things seriously, but I probably let opportunities literally walk past me because I wasn't paying attention. My mind was getting more dejected and more irreverent. I need to reverse this trajectory I'm on. I think this two week process is going to turn more into self-reflection than analysis over what's going to happen with her. In a lot of ways, that's for her to decide. Both of our happinesses are at stake here, but neither of us really owe the other anything.

Let's further this deal. You're going to spend the next two weeks bettering yourself. Relaxing your mind without the assistance of drugs and alcohol (which is a drug, you love to neglect that addictive detail). Drink more water. After you finish going through House for the umpteenth time or even in the middle of that, fight the urge to just soak up more TV. You've been reading Catch 22 for months now. When you really sat down to read it, you read 80 pages. Sure, it's a fucking long book but you're enjoying it. You feel better when you read. Change your habits, buddy, it's not so tricky.

See you tomorrow.