Day 0

First of all, hey. I haven't written to myself in a very long while. It's probably for the best that now is the time for me to restart this whole process. Me and this woman made a deal that we wouldn't speak to each other for a full two weeks so that we both have some time to think. I'm fully aware of the context, but I suppose it makes the most sense to rap this out. Speaking of which, there's this poolhall down the street from where I live here on Edgehill that has free pool Sunday nights; I went there last night and they had MF Doom on the jukebox. Maybe 5 or 6 songs from Mm..Food. What the fuck was that about? They had the Death Proof Soundtrack, some Elvis, some Zeppelin, some DOOM? Who casually throws DOOM tracks into a jukebox in the south. What the hell was that about? It was awesome, but confusing enough to not put anything on. I tossed on The Coasters, Spoon and Zeppelin. Anyway, yeah sure. Context. Goddamn it Spencer Krug's voice in Bang Your Drum on this Wolf Parade track just makes me feel like I know everything about indie music in the 21st century and that's just a lie. Jesus, OKay, approximately 21 or 22 days ago, I moved from Minneapolis to Nashville. Maybe two weeks later, my emotional restlessness reached it's peak. There was this woman I used to live with (with four other people, mind you) who I've had feelings for since well before we lived together. We both knew that it would be interesting living together. What we both neglected to consider that we're both the kind of people that wouldn't make it that big of a deal and it actually ended up being a pretty calm situation. However, I've been latently in love with this woman for an unbelievable amount of time. She makes me more comfortable than almost anyone. And I know what you're thinking, Evan, why do you always go for the top shelf with your proclamations about the women you're with? Everything is everything all the time with you. Your evasion of melodrama exudes melodrama. To that I say what every emotionally exhausted person would say in that scenario: This situation is different. Easy, throw away sentence, I know. Here's why it's different: This hasn't been happening for a couple of months. This has been bubbling away for actual years now. The reason it seems appropriate to use those inadvertently throw away sentences is because maybe a week or so ago, in my aforementioned emotional unrest over moving so far away (not that far, really, but you get my point you over-critical wank), I had to send her something I had written that explained the serious feelings I have and have had for her, the respect I feel for her and basically fully opening up and letting my emotions run out about almost all the things that had been on my mind in her regard for what feels like such a long time. We talked passionately for the past however many days, I can't even keep track at this point, my perception of time in this regard is all nonsense.

I'll fragment this with time and altered states of mind. I've been drinking, plan on it for the rest of the night, and made a deal. That deal is this: For the next two weeks, her and I won't speak to each other, I'm going to either drink not at all or significantly less (which of those two options seems more likely to you), and I'm going to write about how I'm doing and the situation as it stands to really get some things out in the open. I think the alcohol has really stunted my emotional grasp on the situation. I love her though. I feel for her differently than I have for most people. I feel immediately comfortable, like I could be around her forever because of how calm she makes me. She challenges me in an interesting way. I have to be radically honest here, I've thought about marrying her more times than I can even remember. And now, thinking about that, I think it's more just the idea of the two of us being together for a really long time. But, she has a boyfriend. She just signed a lease to be with him for another year, both legally and emotionally, which is a fucked up combination of details. I just moved far away from her to Nashville. Physically, right now, we can't be together. Here's the rub though: If we really wanted it to happen, we'd make it happen. I think that even though this has been on our minds for years, it still seems so new, but so aged and that's what's pissing us both off and is destroying our ability to think rationally about it. Fuck I've slept on this Wolf Parade album for far too long, holy shit. I always loved the line in 'I'll Believe In Anything,' "Nobody knows you, and nobody gives a damn either way." For some reason I heard 'Apologies To The Queen Mary,' heard the one-two punch of the aforementioned and 'Dear Sons And Daughters Of Hungry Ghosts,' and called it a day.

Anyway. This is Day 0. I won't post this until I'm about to go to sleep, so that as I get progressively more drunk I can write things down. I wish I would have never stopped doing this. It's chaotic, but it's such an excellent way to keep my thoughts in order. I think Spencer Krug's voice just makes me think of a more throaty Britt Daniel. Wolf Parade and Spoon are interesting to think about as similar. Goddamn it. I just want to talk to her about everything. Maybe this is selfish. Maybe this is what it feels like to pine for being in a relationship. I've always felt like she's understood me. I always dismissed a relationship with her because it always seemed like it would never happen. Whenever I really thought about it, a relationship really made functional sense. I think it mostly made sense because we're the same kind of crazy. At least that what it feels like. But at the end of the day, I feel like I could make her happy because all I want for her is to be happy. Something I think about a lot is that....goddamn it I want her to listen to these Hop Along songs. Okay. Something I think about a lot is how much her body and brain need the catharsis of going dancing. I don't currently have it in me to be the man in that situation, however, if she needs to go dance and simply be, I have no qualms whatsoever with her being temporarily with another person for the sake of release. Openly communicating can come with other aspects of being in an open relationship. I think that sense of physical honesty is necessary. I want to talk to her right now. It seems like the only thing that makes sense. But it's all selfish. I want to dump my interests onto her. I just want to talk to her about music, but that's even more selfish because it's all music that I enjoy. I'm going to do something else now. Oohhh goddamn. I so badly wanted to just use the phrase "Tits & acid" as an exclamation, but then I was swiftly reminded that context and information are key and that using a Simian Mobile Disco song next to no one thinks about as an exclamation would seem offensive or at the very least uselessly unrelated.

I started writing this around 10pm, just after the debate.

I think this means I have to drink all of this beer.

and now it's the following day and I'm a fuckin' mess.