Day 2

It's day 2. I've been in Nashville almost a month now and my roommate still hasn't moved down here yet. I'm trying to figure out how much longer I wait before I just tell him to shit or get off the pot. I can't afford $1300/month plus utilities and eating everyday on my own, this is ridiculous. I need his financial help.

I just spoke to my brother and his girlfriend who seem completely disinterested in finding out why I'm actually out of sorts, they just want to talk about this roommate thing or something completely irrelevant. They say that he's using his father's overbearing nature as a scapegoat to not actually pay me and then ultimately not actually move down here. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't know if I really did it on purpose, because I feel like I'm often reaching out to people, but either no one wants to listen or I'm really living on an island right now. I feel unprecedentedly alone right now. There's moments when I just start mumbling and talking to myself because I realize it sometimes is days at a time before I actually speak to another person. And I fucking love talking to other people. I got excited without even realizing it, to talk to the folks at the Post Office and joke with them. I wanted to go back and hand my bit of mail off to them and was actually a little nervous to go back and say thanks for their help and then disappointed to turn around to see a line has formed. I should adjust me previous statement: It's less that I love talking to people, but I love interacting with people, strangers and all. These are loner thoughts. The ramblings of someone unusually isolated.

I'm feeling sort of paralyzed about this whole "her" situation. There's really only three things that can happen. I bet I'll forget an option by the end of this. The first thing is that she breaks up with her boyfriend and we figure out how to be together (the least likely option). The second thing is that she stays with her boyfriend, continues to live her life and we continue to not speak to each other (perhaps the healthiest, but second least likely option). The third thing is just like the second: she stays with her boyfriend and we submit to the fact that we're just going to be friends. The lattermost option is easily the most likely and the most emotionally irresponsible because it's not technically possible. Sure, it's theoretically feasible, but it's practically ridiculous. I don't mean to go all 17-year-old Evan-logic on you here and quote the ever-depressing and partially misleading When Harry Met Sally, men and women can't be friends. The sexual attraction is always going to get in the way. We can say we're going to be friends, but we'll always want something else to happen. And in the mean time, she'll still be with her boyfriend and she'll inadvertently sabotage herself and her relationship, and then we're stuck with the sneaky fourth option: We're both not in relationships, but we're still apart and we become so disconnected from who we both really are because we'd never be friends in the same fucking room during this whole process and then any attempt to actually be together might work, but it'd be so goddamn dramatic that at that point we would have built it up so much and would have likely changed as people in the interim that it wouldn't work. Or it would, but the work would be regressive, not progressive and ultimately profoundly painful. The sneaky fourth option as a by-product of the third option is probably the scariest one because it seems the most honest and realistic. I don't want to think about this anymore.

Life is just so goddamn short. This would be yet another opportunity for happiness that I've squandered and let walk right by. I just don't know.