Tomorrow's the day and I'm really happy I have to work today. I've been doing maybe too good of a job of not thinking about this, but at this point I think I've rattled my brain in and out of all the conceivable options as to what's going to happen next. It's funny, usually I would over-analyze the next step, but she makes me feel so comfortable at this point that I'm not even really worried about or considering the whole, who-talks-first scenario. If I get a message from her at 12:01am, I'll be equally as elated then as I would be if I don't hear from her until 5pm. She surely will have some things she wants to say, so when she starts, I'll just have to let her go. And hopefully this doesn't lead to me truly having to let her go. I want her in my life. That's all I know. I've ebbed and flowed through this too much. We're good for each other, but the timing was crucial and wrong. However, if she's willing to stay in my life and manage to keep her self sane all the while remaining in her current relationship, then I'm fully on board. If she can't separate me from him, which it was becoming a damn-near impossibility towards the end there, then we have to separate from each other and I have to let her live her life. I desperately don't want to stop this chapter, but it's essentially become the narrative for the whole book at this point. As much as I'd love to be selfish and keep her with me for the foreseeable future, if it destroys her, I don't think I could live with that. It'd be so unbelievably unfair.
I'm curious and mostly at this point I've calmed myself down about the whole thing I just want to hear from her again. I also want the cavalcade of feelings from wanting her to lay here with me, to get dinner with me, to sit on my face, to live our lives together, to let me rip into her, but I can't have any of those things, so I'll take writing to her and her writing back as the biggest solace of all. I just want her. However I can be with her, I'll take it.
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