Day 8

There's a weird dissonance happening here. I feel more and more distant from this situation with each passing day, yet in so many fresh situations I find myself in, I pine for her to be there. It's like the more I separate myself from her, the calmer my realistic emotional feelings are for her. And that doesn't make any sense. Maybe not as an idea and maybe not even as a sentence, syntactically. I think what I mean by that, is that I'm in an ever-growing, true state of feeling feelings for a woman that are almost exclusively not sexual at all. I think I've romanticized the idea of being in a relationship for such a long time, that whenever I think about her, I always think about her presence. Life could be so much better and I continually let it walk away. Fuck, I'm not really learning anything new here, am I?

"I'm better off, baby, when I'm all alone. It's a lie." Nothing like drinking too much and a little 90s throwback emo music in the form of Beach Slang to get you in the mood. I'm so unbelievably looking forward to talking to her again. But I'm genuinely scared as to what she's going to say. This is yet another moment that essentially boils down to the fact that something has to happen. It's either going to be good or it's going to be bad. And I'm pretty sure it's not going to feel great. It's worth speaking to her again, even if it's just for a few minutes. Life is short and I've squandered a lot of it, as I believe I've made fucking abundantly clear at this point, so it's necessary that I talk to her again. Less than a week to go. Hopefully I allow myself to feel better about a number of things between now and then. I miss the sense of happiness and emotional consistency flowered by occasional chaos.