New Years Eve

I'm what some people might describe as something of an introvert. Not just in the classic definition, or the popularized definition where I just really like being by myself, which is also technically an accurate definition, but the definition wherein social situations cause me stress, solitude is often preferred, and over stimulation is group situations troubles me and often makes me want to leave any given social circumstance as soon as it is allowed.

Being around people is terrible, I generally don't want to do it because I almost never feel truly like myself even in front of my closest friends. I don't need to explain myself to you because 'you' at this juncture may as well just be 'me,' so I'm just going to cut to the chase. There is this girl. I've known her since Christmas time of 2001 or 2002. I can't really remember. I've put this girl through a whole lot of juvenile shit. Every single time I see her, my stomach gets in knots, my face flushes, I become a kind of happy that I forget exists until I see her. Until New Years Eve I hadn't seen this girl for three years. On my way to this party I get an alarming text message warning me that she is there. She isn't really friends with any of my friends so much any more so I wasn't at all expecting her to be at this party. I wasn't even aware that she was in Iowa City, least of all Iowa. Before I left for Iowa City from Cedar Rapids my close friend and I smoked a blunt with my childhood best friend's older brother (Andy Fiedler), an excellent way to surprisingly start any evening if you ask me. As I got this text message, then, I was happily blazed. My sublime state of mind about how lovely this party may be flipped on its head and I became heavily worried about how I was going to handle this highly emotional situation in a blunt induced daze. I quickly got another text that said that she and her friends were to be leaving. Boy was I relieved. Don't get me wrong, I more than anything wanted to see this girl but the thought of seeing her wicked stoned, made me want to divert the car into oncoming traffic. In this wave of relief, we made it safely to the party. To my unprecedented surprise, she was still there. The worst part was that my seeing her and the rest of the party required me walking up a staircase. I had to willingly walk up stairs to reach my inevitable fate. Reading and writing this seems so silly because there is no reason for me to be feeling these things. Goddamn it. I wish I didn't get stoned beforehand. That would've made the night turn out much better. Anyway. I walked up those fateful stairs and she was the first person I saw. Our conversation didn't last very long because since me friend and I showed up later than everyone else, the host was waiting for us to smoke, which was very nice of her, as most people would've just said fuck it. From what I was told last night, the first night of the new year, I apparently handled the situation well. I couldn't easily describe it that way. From my perspective I likened everything that was happening to me and around me to chaos. I had no control of what was happening and that was deathly frightening. She left soon after all of us had finished smoking but her being around for that short period of time was enough for my night to be completely altered. I need to see her before she leaves again for New York. I fear for what I will think of myself if I don't. The powers this girl holds over me never fails to amaze. I feel like I'm in love with her without really knowing her. I know that exists in fiction everywhere but I didn't think it was actually possible. It probably isn't in this circumstance. She simply has had too much bearing on my life over the past ten years. Ah shit.