Cynicism

I know I've said this countless times, but considering it's relevance in my life and since no one reads this anymore I figure this is a good place to bitch.

Seriously: Nobody cares. As I said the other day: Cynicism is truth, not belief. Truer words have never been spoken.

Clever Title

I am perpetually, subconsciously in the mood where I want to punch someone or be constantly smoking weed to keep myself from not freaking the fuck out. I hate when people think they know way more about me than they really do. I really want to go home this weekend. I also really fucking don't want to go home this weekend. I wish I couldn't read people's facial expressions like a short story (I'd say book, but I'm not a fuckin' savant). I can see your judgements. I need more friends who don't give a fuck what I'm doing, but care enough to listen indifferently. I can't handle this juvenile shit. I need to move far far away. Seriously. Just leave. I genuninly regret not going to college in New Zealand. It would've been cheaper and I would be by myself where I don't have to deal with not being satisfied with every person I know. Jesus. I need to live with my brother. He's my best friend and we're basically the same. We could just be. I could stop being irritated, at some point in the friendship, with every person I talk to. Next year: I'm going to get a room by myself. I'm going to be in there all the time. High all week. Drunk all weekend. College hasn't changed my perspective. It's intensified my previous thoughts. Shit happens. This particular shit needs to stop. Not going to reread this. There's a mid-term paper I need to be writing. Fuck the library. I'm going to finish this paper outside. :)

I should stop saying things in hope that I'm going to get the response that I want. I seriously need to accept the fact that I'm never going to be satisfied. And there's nothing I can do about it. That way maybe I'll stop saying certain things. Because one thing that irritates me the most is when I say something in hopes that the sentiment will be reciprocated, and it's ignored completely. I can't exactly bring it up again can I because then things will get awkward from the other person's perspective. People wonder why I don't talk much. It's shit like this. Seriously. What's the point? I'm seriously considering getting a blog so that I can let out the specifics of this nonsense. Because it's not like anyone wants to hear it anyway. I mean. I don't want to, so why would other people? They don't. I need to be back to the place where I can steal shit from people's medicine cabinets. I need to start having more fun.

All People Are Bastards and I Don't Trust Them :)

When I was a small child, from what I've been told and from what I remember, I was rather extroverted. I would always be talking and never keeping anything internalized. As I grew older it seems that my childhood way of dealing with things has been flipped on its head. It's probably safe to say that, relatively speaking, I'm just as sensitive as I was back then but now I'm much more introverted. In fact it's gotten to the point that when I hang out with people who have known me for a long time, for them to not be surprised when I don't talk. It's not that I don't have anything to say because I always have something to say. I've taught myself to talk less and less because for me to open my mouth and express what I'm thinking is a very dangerous game and essentially a positive feedback loop. What I mean by that is that someone will say something and I almost say it, which is followed by a discussion inside my head on the potential repercussions of saying it, making me talk less and less: loop. It's gotten to the point where I don't say anything because the thoughts going through my mind, are not something that the provoker of said thoughts, would want to hear. I have to be honest though, I'm really glad that people don't expect me to talk because if I don't want to, I'm not going to.

Therein lies the problem. I'm more than comfortable keeping my mouth shut because I know exactly what's happening and thats all that needs to exist. What bothers me is that I don't know what is happening in anyone else's thoughts. The problem with this is that I plan on making as many possible assumptions until I've reached one, randomly, that really bugs me, and then that's what the other person is thinking until they've proved me wrong. It's sort of a innocent until proven guilty situation except the other way around.

Which reminds me. Yeah. That's the other thing. I don't trust people. People may say one thing, but I'm always suspicious because it's more than likely that they are lying to me. I mean why would they tell the truth? Why? There's no reason for them too, except to piss me off. So they'll lie.

This isn't in reference to anything in particular. I just genuinely don't trust people. If it would make you feel better to think that I'm actually talking about one single thing, I'll give you something to make you nice and happy.

My mother got mad at me yesterday because I don't trust anyone. I went to the bank and I needed to sort out my checking and savings accounts and debit cards and college and all sorts of shit. He was being perfectly nice, until I remember he works for the bank. I don't trust him. He had access to all of my shit, who fucking KNOWS what he could've done. Sure. He didn't. But that doesn't mean that couldn't or that he didn't want to. I especially don't trust these fucking people because I know that they've stereotyped me already just because I'm a teenager. And I could make the argument that I'm an "adult" now but in terms of society, that doesn't mean a fucking thing. It doesn't matter that I'm eighteen or even if I was thirteen because the suffix is the same and the judgments are in the same ballpark only stronger because I'm the former.

This is usually the part of the rambling where I say that I'm only writing this because I'm uncomfortable because the heat coming out of my computer fan is making me sweat. That may be true, but the fact of the matter is, is that internally, I'm negative. Also externally. I mean really: Who am I kidding?

:)

I'm Pro-Choice. You, are Pro-Life (Anti-Choice).

It's likely that I'm not supposed to be talking about this nor is it a socially acceptable topic so, I've decided I'll do this over the internet because no one wants to talk about it.

So someone I don't know very well (no they don't go to our school nor is it anyone that you probably know,) is pregnant. When my mom told me I asked with a pretty clear idea of what went down, was it planned? The answer was no, as expected. My next question was, 'is the a word out of the question?' to which my mom responded, 'no she's keeping it.' After which I said, 'of course, what with her steady income and stable lifestyle.' Sarcastic comment explanation: Part 2 of my mom's conversation with this young lady's mother was about how she almost was fired for smoking on the job, which she shouldn't be doing because a) its obviously against some rule and b) everyone knows you aren't supposed to smoke when you're preggers. Also by 'her stable lifestyle' I mean that she parties all the time, which is basically the self-explanatory explanation for why she is pregnant.

Now, my point is this that I think she should have an abortion. I mean, how can you seriously think that in nine months you are going to get your shit together enough to be able to support yourself and an extremely needy baby? It's just unrealistic. I mean obviously that would probably be the hardest thing she would ever go through, but she will essentially be ruining her life. Which is what I think about teenagers who keep their unplanned babies. Their lives are over. And you know what? Tough shit. You should've gotten an abortion. Fuck you pro-lifers, Alright? I totally disagree with you. If you take the situation between choosing to 'murder' the fetus and your livelihood, and extrapolate that into a situation where you have to choose between you and some other person living, who are you going to choose? Yourself obviously. Fuck the other person, I want to live. Fuck the fetus, I want to make something of myself rather than my life being a hopeful venture into you being potentially successful. I mean sure, ultimately its your decision whether you get the abortion or not, but I think you need to think REALLY fucking hard about it. Think past 'hmm I think its actually time I had a kid' to how am I going to support this thing? These people who make that decision without thinking deeply about it are being ridiculously optimistic. Yeah! We'll be fine! Everything will work itself out! No. you're fucked. fucked fucked fucked.

I need to stop thinking. When summer comes, if I keep having thoughts that cause me such frustration, I vow to run and sweat it out until I can't move my legs. Immediately following the recovery of my legs, I shall involve myself in a beautiful stupor.

Summer of 2010

Everything about this summer is turning out to be bitter sweet. As time goes on, more and more things make me excited and upset for summer's arrival and subsequent departure.

I'll explain.

Among the things I'm excited for, here are a number of them: Pitchfork Music Festival, (hopefully, if my parents live up to our agreement) Lollapalooza, Tennis with a friend, Graduating, the end of high school, Jordan Creek with my junior buddy, doing several illegal activities, not having to talk to or see the people I haven't liked since middle school every day, going to college, finding out what's going to happen with certain couples, etc

The things I'm not, in any way, excited about include: Having to drive an hour and a half to hang out with one person, having to drive three and a half hours back to cedar rapids to see another, no more sense of normalcy, having legitimate responsibilities, questioning where important friendships will go, etc.

I'll expand.

The 'finding out what's going to happen with certain couples' may be inappropriately placed. I put it under excited because I am very curious as to how things are going to play out among certain people. There are some couples that I couldn't care less about because they are boring, effect me in no way, and aren't really my close friends. Others on the other hand, two of them in particular which appear to be operating in very different ways. If you are confused, what I mean by '...what's going to happen...' I mean whether they are going to break up and end the friendship entirely, or stay together going to different schools, or break up and still be buds, so on. Unfortunately I fear for the depletion of these people's emotional states depending on the turnout. I'll have to take solace in the fact that I'll be there (emotionally not geographically) to try my best to make it any easier for them if that happens.

The sense of normalcy refers to High School, basically. I have a regular schedule in which I operate. Sleep. School. Homework. Computer. I think everyone knows what I mean. Having school to guide us through our days with predetermined class times. Sure college is still school but from what I've heard its, though probably very well thought out, seemingly unstructured. Summer on the other hand is complete chaos.

By questioning where important friendships will go is already an ever happening thought and occurrence. Some people who I've been friends with, during high school at least, I won't feel very bad if those diminish to nothingness. Some I will try my hardest to make sure they don't continue. Whereas others that I want desperately to continue, are going to be difficult, but I will try my very best to keep 'em going. Because I would hate myself for letting two in particular fall away, if ever so briefly they've existed.

I'll conclude and summarize.

My expectations for this coming summer: Fucking Awesome & Remarkably Unfortunate

Loneliness is Underrated

I have recently found out something very reassuring about myself. This may be jumping the gun a little, but I know how (in a personal not scientific way) my brain works so I know that I'm right, regardless of the gun-jumping.

For the longest time I was under the impression that in order to be happy, I need to find a significant other who I can share my interests and thoughts with and be totally happy and in sync. What I have recently figured out is that, for me, this is indeed not the case. I've realized that the only person I really need to be happy, is myself, as fucking weird as that sounds. I've seen so many movies that try to represent what love or whatever is supposed to be that it has completely ruined my view of what is acceptable in my mind and is now completely irreversible. What I mean by this is that no person will ever live up to my standard of what I want. The only person who will consistently be up to par, is me. And since settling for the sake of companionship at this point in my life seems absolutely ludicrous, I'm going to continue to believe that the best person for me, is me.

Nobody will ever appreciate anything in the particular manner that I will appreciate it. Everybody will do everything in a way that will forever be sub par. Fortunately, this, while seeming upsetting and life altering, is perfectly acceptable and the way I approve of things being done. I am completely happy with doing my own thing, being responsible for just me, and sorting through the silliness on my own.

Also, the only other person, at this point in time, who would care and be offended by this doesn't know it exists or where it is or how to access it, so I'm not concerned.