When I was a small child, from what I've been told and from what I remember, I was rather extroverted. I would always be talking and never keeping anything internalized. As I grew older it seems that my childhood way of dealing with things has been flipped on its head. It's probably safe to say that, relatively speaking, I'm just as sensitive as I was back then but now I'm much more introverted. In fact it's gotten to the point that when I hang out with people who have known me for a long time, for them to not be surprised when I don't talk. It's not that I don't have anything to say because I always have something to say. I've taught myself to talk less and less because for me to open my mouth and express what I'm thinking is a very dangerous game and essentially a positive feedback loop. What I mean by that is that someone will say something and I almost say it, which is followed by a discussion inside my head on the potential repercussions of saying it, making me talk less and less: loop. It's gotten to the point where I don't say anything because the thoughts going through my mind, are not something that the provoker of said thoughts, would want to hear. I have to be honest though, I'm really glad that people don't expect me to talk because if I don't want to, I'm not going to.
Therein lies the problem. I'm more than comfortable keeping my mouth shut because I know exactly what's happening and thats all that needs to exist. What bothers me is that I don't know what is happening in anyone else's thoughts. The problem with this is that I plan on making as many possible assumptions until I've reached one, randomly, that really bugs me, and then that's what the other person is thinking until they've proved me wrong. It's sort of a innocent until proven guilty situation except the other way around.
Which reminds me. Yeah. That's the other thing. I don't trust people. People may say one thing, but I'm always suspicious because it's more than likely that they are lying to me. I mean why would they tell the truth? Why? There's no reason for them too, except to piss me off. So they'll lie.
This isn't in reference to anything in particular. I just genuinely don't trust people. If it would make you feel better to think that I'm actually talking about one single thing, I'll give you something to make you nice and happy.
My mother got mad at me yesterday because I don't trust anyone. I went to the bank and I needed to sort out my checking and savings accounts and debit cards and college and all sorts of shit. He was being perfectly nice, until I remember he works for the bank. I don't trust him. He had access to all of my shit, who fucking KNOWS what he could've done. Sure. He didn't. But that doesn't mean that couldn't or that he didn't want to. I especially don't trust these fucking people because I know that they've stereotyped me already just because I'm a teenager. And I could make the argument that I'm an "adult" now but in terms of society, that doesn't mean a fucking thing. It doesn't matter that I'm eighteen or even if I was thirteen because the suffix is the same and the judgments are in the same ballpark only stronger because I'm the former.
This is usually the part of the rambling where I say that I'm only writing this because I'm uncomfortable because the heat coming out of my computer fan is making me sweat. That may be true, but the fact of the matter is, is that internally, I'm negative. Also externally. I mean really: Who am I kidding?
:)
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