Everything, I Suppose

I have a few things I want to write down because of the following: I'm having a weird day inside my own head, definitely no one in Australia or America wants to hear this, definitely I don't want to talk to any person I know in either country and because I occasionally feel like I'm loosing my mind and that I'm dying inside. Democracy is illusory. Morals are a human construct. Truth is relative. Death is the most significant thing about life, without it, life would be meaningless, though one could argue that life is meaningless nonetheless. I have recently come to terms with the fact that some day I am going to die and that I do not fear that day. In the words of Chuck Palahniuk, "You have to know, not fear, know that someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you are useless." I've also been coming to terms with the fact that life and all of its implications are essentially without meaning and that nothing that ever happens to anyone, at any point, under any circumstance really matters. There will of course always be feeling behind all of this, but that doesn't give it meaning on a grand scale. I was having a difficult conversation with my roommate last night after a couple hours of laughing hysterically about random, silly shit. He brought it to my attention that al qaeda recently shot a fourteen-year-old girl in the head for speaking out against them and their current views regarding women's rights. This is obviously terrible. But. Regarding what I was just talking about, this is ultimately meaningless. Sure, sure, sure, people shouldn't be shooting fourteen year olds in the head, but it doesn't matter. I read an interesting quote regarding a concept often referred to as moral nihilism, which blew my mind because apparently there is a concept that completely describes my philosophy of life, "A moral nihilist would say that killing someone, for whatever reason, is neither inherently right nor inherently wrong. Moral nihilists consider morality to be constructed, a complex set of rules and recommendations that may give a psychological, social, or economical advantage to its adherents, but is otherwise without universal or even relative truth in any sense." It is for reasons like this that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pay any sort of attention to classes now, moreso than the "not at all" that I cared before. Essentially no classes that I'm taking actually benefit me in any way whatsoever, on a universal scale. I realize that I'm not supposed to think about my short life in terms of universalism, but upon this revelation that has been growing and brewing inside of me for quite some time now, I can't help but obsess over it. It plagues me. It has made me quite vulnerable because knowing that there is no objective purpose to anything that I or anyone else does gives me no motivation to do anything outside of things that I perpetually enjoy and that I feel connect me to a greater, a meta understanding: reading, listening to music, considering philosophies. If I can say something regarding the benefits of this for me, it is that whenever any ethical or moral conversation or debate comes up in class, I know what my feelings on it are going to be. I truly don't care about things now. Before I just kept telling myself that I didn't, but if you say something to yourself enough, it becomes true, and I really feel that way now. Its terrible, yet somehow blissful. When I think beyond myself, I become anxious. When I think only in terms of this philosophy in how in relates specifically to me, I become at peace. I become tranquil. I become happy. Love. End.