A Night of Emotional Shambles

Foreword: I wrote this at the end of summer, two months, minus a day, ago. I'm in Australia now which means I'm far enough away from everyone and from the situation that I'm surely the only person that is going to know what I'm talking about anyway so I'm here again to post it. I rather enjoyed this writing, specifically what I briefly had to say about my group of friends. I think shea butter will appreciate it quite a bit. Enjoy.

okay. i just came back to my computer quite swiftly (lies) after leaving my friend's house where there were other friends, you know how this goes. It quickly came to my attention that I likely won't be seeing some of these people for some time, possibly four months or so. This was immediately followed by my recollection that I hadn't really seen most of these people in quite some time anyway, it being the summertime, and this being a collection of people rather interested in being with each other, yet which inadvertently almost never seeks such pleasure for reasons one may never be truly sure of (I of course include myself in this "collection," regretfully), and we being a group of emotionally, sexually, spiritually, physiologically, and mentally frustrated people, and all. Anyway, the reason I rushed home, or whatever it was that I did, was that I suddenly became overcome with sadness at the realization that I hadn't been appreciating some one who I've always really enjoyed. I realized this as I was saying goodbye to them. At first it didn't really seem like an issue given the fact that we hadn't gone out of our way to hangout with each other all summer. But the realization came when as we were leaving she looked at me, started oddly smiling and said, " I feel like I need to hug you again." (Side note, I don't really know how to explain why, but being so specific makes me feel very strange. If I knew more about the psychology of the brain, I would, but I don't, so I won't. I digress.) I realized that I was going to miss this person on a fundamental level, i.e. there is something in her inherent nature that makes me feel like she understands me; like she is one of the few people who are very intuitive of the system by which people intrinsically operate (another category I place myself in, gleefully yet painfully). I felt so upset because I spend so much time not really giving a shit about most people and maybe what I should be doing is just appreciate where I am and who I am around. Shit. Even as I write that I know my true self doesn't wholly believe that. I don't like a lot of people, innately haha be honest. This specific person though. The look in her eye devastated me. The thought of me being somebody that she seemed to care a decent amount about (I can't even hypothesize or speculate a higher amount than "decent," that's how much I don't have any conception of what people think of me) had never crossed my mind so when it hit me, my body was overcome with this sadness and I have no idea what to do about it. It happens so rarely that something affects me like this and when my body is in an emotionally and physiologically unsettling state I'm never quite sure how to help myself. So here I am after running red lights to get here or picking lilies in the meadow or bowling with the Dude or singing to Danish children while they wait for the bus, I suppose I'm just trying to get all of my thoughts down before I sleep and forget everything that was flowing through me and how strange I feel/felt/may likely feel again. I'm going to stop now because emotion cannot be explained in short, snippy concluding sentences, it can however be interpreted via everything written above. End. Friday August 10, 2012, 1:47am. Began approximately an hour ago, maybe forty-five minutes ago, one can't be too sure. I'm gonna go snack.. and distract an attacking Barack while the fluffy man boasts of choking artichoke's throats with coats around scruffy tan blokes. No jokes. Don't snuff cokes. That stuff is carbonated man, you don't wanna do that. 2:05am I likely won't post this for a while because I still feel quite weird, again for reasons I deeply cannot explain, but I'll put it off no less. I'll just forget about it for a couple months and see what happens. Or you'll be reading this in a few days. 2:07am. :08. Goodnight.