Everything, I Suppose

I have a few things I want to write down because of the following: I'm having a weird day inside my own head, definitely no one in Australia or America wants to hear this, definitely I don't want to talk to any person I know in either country and because I occasionally feel like I'm loosing my mind and that I'm dying inside. Democracy is illusory. Morals are a human construct. Truth is relative. Death is the most significant thing about life, without it, life would be meaningless, though one could argue that life is meaningless nonetheless. I have recently come to terms with the fact that some day I am going to die and that I do not fear that day. In the words of Chuck Palahniuk, "You have to know, not fear, know that someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you are useless." I've also been coming to terms with the fact that life and all of its implications are essentially without meaning and that nothing that ever happens to anyone, at any point, under any circumstance really matters. There will of course always be feeling behind all of this, but that doesn't give it meaning on a grand scale. I was having a difficult conversation with my roommate last night after a couple hours of laughing hysterically about random, silly shit. He brought it to my attention that al qaeda recently shot a fourteen-year-old girl in the head for speaking out against them and their current views regarding women's rights. This is obviously terrible. But. Regarding what I was just talking about, this is ultimately meaningless. Sure, sure, sure, people shouldn't be shooting fourteen year olds in the head, but it doesn't matter. I read an interesting quote regarding a concept often referred to as moral nihilism, which blew my mind because apparently there is a concept that completely describes my philosophy of life, "A moral nihilist would say that killing someone, for whatever reason, is neither inherently right nor inherently wrong. Moral nihilists consider morality to be constructed, a complex set of rules and recommendations that may give a psychological, social, or economical advantage to its adherents, but is otherwise without universal or even relative truth in any sense." It is for reasons like this that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pay any sort of attention to classes now, moreso than the "not at all" that I cared before. Essentially no classes that I'm taking actually benefit me in any way whatsoever, on a universal scale. I realize that I'm not supposed to think about my short life in terms of universalism, but upon this revelation that has been growing and brewing inside of me for quite some time now, I can't help but obsess over it. It plagues me. It has made me quite vulnerable because knowing that there is no objective purpose to anything that I or anyone else does gives me no motivation to do anything outside of things that I perpetually enjoy and that I feel connect me to a greater, a meta understanding: reading, listening to music, considering philosophies. If I can say something regarding the benefits of this for me, it is that whenever any ethical or moral conversation or debate comes up in class, I know what my feelings on it are going to be. I truly don't care about things now. Before I just kept telling myself that I didn't, but if you say something to yourself enough, it becomes true, and I really feel that way now. Its terrible, yet somehow blissful. When I think beyond myself, I become anxious. When I think only in terms of this philosophy in how in relates specifically to me, I become at peace. I become tranquil. I become happy. Love. End.

A Night of Emotional Shambles

Foreword: I wrote this at the end of summer, two months, minus a day, ago. I'm in Australia now which means I'm far enough away from everyone and from the situation that I'm surely the only person that is going to know what I'm talking about anyway so I'm here again to post it. I rather enjoyed this writing, specifically what I briefly had to say about my group of friends. I think shea butter will appreciate it quite a bit. Enjoy.

okay. i just came back to my computer quite swiftly (lies) after leaving my friend's house where there were other friends, you know how this goes. It quickly came to my attention that I likely won't be seeing some of these people for some time, possibly four months or so. This was immediately followed by my recollection that I hadn't really seen most of these people in quite some time anyway, it being the summertime, and this being a collection of people rather interested in being with each other, yet which inadvertently almost never seeks such pleasure for reasons one may never be truly sure of (I of course include myself in this "collection," regretfully), and we being a group of emotionally, sexually, spiritually, physiologically, and mentally frustrated people, and all. Anyway, the reason I rushed home, or whatever it was that I did, was that I suddenly became overcome with sadness at the realization that I hadn't been appreciating some one who I've always really enjoyed. I realized this as I was saying goodbye to them. At first it didn't really seem like an issue given the fact that we hadn't gone out of our way to hangout with each other all summer. But the realization came when as we were leaving she looked at me, started oddly smiling and said, " I feel like I need to hug you again." (Side note, I don't really know how to explain why, but being so specific makes me feel very strange. If I knew more about the psychology of the brain, I would, but I don't, so I won't. I digress.) I realized that I was going to miss this person on a fundamental level, i.e. there is something in her inherent nature that makes me feel like she understands me; like she is one of the few people who are very intuitive of the system by which people intrinsically operate (another category I place myself in, gleefully yet painfully). I felt so upset because I spend so much time not really giving a shit about most people and maybe what I should be doing is just appreciate where I am and who I am around. Shit. Even as I write that I know my true self doesn't wholly believe that. I don't like a lot of people, innately haha be honest. This specific person though. The look in her eye devastated me. The thought of me being somebody that she seemed to care a decent amount about (I can't even hypothesize or speculate a higher amount than "decent," that's how much I don't have any conception of what people think of me) had never crossed my mind so when it hit me, my body was overcome with this sadness and I have no idea what to do about it. It happens so rarely that something affects me like this and when my body is in an emotionally and physiologically unsettling state I'm never quite sure how to help myself. So here I am after running red lights to get here or picking lilies in the meadow or bowling with the Dude or singing to Danish children while they wait for the bus, I suppose I'm just trying to get all of my thoughts down before I sleep and forget everything that was flowing through me and how strange I feel/felt/may likely feel again. I'm going to stop now because emotion cannot be explained in short, snippy concluding sentences, it can however be interpreted via everything written above. End. Friday August 10, 2012, 1:47am. Began approximately an hour ago, maybe forty-five minutes ago, one can't be too sure. I'm gonna go snack.. and distract an attacking Barack while the fluffy man boasts of choking artichoke's throats with coats around scruffy tan blokes. No jokes. Don't snuff cokes. That stuff is carbonated man, you don't wanna do that. 2:05am I likely won't post this for a while because I still feel quite weird, again for reasons I deeply cannot explain, but I'll put it off no less. I'll just forget about it for a couple months and see what happens. Or you'll be reading this in a few days. 2:07am. :08. Goodnight.