"Lonely" People | Positive Change | Biggie Smalls For Mayor

I said last time that I'd talk to you all again the next time my self-loathing resurfaced. I'm here to tell you that I want to write to you, but not because I'm really upset or depressed or anything of that nature. My phone died, so I'll bitch and moan to you non-responsive bastards. Sorry for the insult. Let's focus, shall we? Probably not for long, but I'll entertain the idea of focusing. I've been hearing and seeing a lot of complaining recently. Most of this complaining has been by people who think they are lonely and that they spend all of their time alone. Now, allow me to preface what I'm about to say that even I don't know what it feels like to be truly alone. I go to a University and live in a city where hundreds of people live, and I walk among them on a daily basis. Never in my life have I been forced into solitary confinement. Sure, I was likely alone in my crib when I was supposed to be sleeping as a baby, but that shit doesn't count, does it, you semantic douchebags?! I don't know what being really alone feels like. But I can't stand seeing people bitching and moaning about being alone, or spending all of their time in their room, or not having any friends and then going out and getting drunk on the weekend and partying it up with all of these people all the time. Having girlfriends or boyfriends, or fun-filled weekends. Spending a bunch of time by yourself during the week doesn't make you a loner or alone. You can't just be alone during the week, active on the weekends and say that you don't have friends or that you're alone. Now. Though I'm never truly alone, I feel like I understand what it means to be alone more than these fuckers. I apologize for the swearing, but this shit really irks me. Some days I won't even speak to another human being. Sure, I talk to this one person for maybe five minutes every couple of days, but that is the most interaction with another person I'll have in a single week. If I were to add up all of the time I talk to another person in any given week, it would total up to half an hour. Haha, that seems like such a large number, so half an hour may be a bit of an exaggeration. So. I don't have people here that I would really consider to be my friends. When I leave here in a month or so (woah! goodness! titties!), it will be like I never existed at this school. I spend more time talking to myself than I do with my own roommates. Let's consider this. I almost never talk to myself. Maybe a maximum of a few seconds. So, with that: I talk to my roommates for about a second every day. It's usually a "Hey," but that's about as far as it goes. Sometimes when I'm quickly going in or out of the apartment I won't say anything to them at all. Occasionally we'll all get a good conversation about some bullshit topic going, like how the ceiling leaks when the upstairs neighbors shower or about drugs or something. It usually lasts as long as it peaks our interest. Then I'll go back to my room and we won't speak for three days. People think the loneliness their going through is some remarkable feat, but they have no idea. Going days without talking to another human being probably isn't even something most of you or most of the people you know can even wrap your minds around. Imagine spending days upon days with your mouth closed. I wish I were speaking in hypotheticals or hyperbole, but I promise you that what I'm speaking of is the unabashed truth. This is really funny. Reading this seems like I'm bragging. Bitch! I'm by myself ALL the time, you mother fuckers ain't got nothin' on me!! Haha, that's fucked up. I'm not bragging though. That's the shittiest part. I was once very satisfied to be by myself, but son of a bitch, I just want some fucking friends. I still rather enjoy being by myself, but that is probably just because I haven't met anyone that satisfies what I look for in a friend or companion of any kind. I don't have anyone that I can just hangout with here and say nothing to for hours, sit in comfortable silence with, talk bullshit or music with, or talk about anything with. Nothing. Not a single thing. The most stimulating conversation I've had in days was me lying to someone about what I was doing. They had no idea and laughed appropriately in conjunction with what I was saying, but I was just playing them because I was unprecedentedly bored with my non-social life. Alright, that's it. I've had enough of you. To continue the good habits I've been developing over the past few days I should make these flash cards. Ugh. But. I want to just do it tomorrow and for the first time in years, I can say that I'm going to do it tomorrow and ACTUALLY do it tomorrow. Astonishing, no? I'm going to make a schedule for myself tomorrow, so that I may actually, appropriately accomplish something. I'm in a much better mindset than I've been in past weeks. The interesting thing about where I currently am now, mentally speaking, is that I've been in a better mood for a longer period of time than I'm used to. Usually I fluctuate like the emotions of a small child. It has to do with three things, though I'll likely forget them by the time I get to each of them. Then I'll shut up for today. FIRST: I've smoked weed only once in the past nineteen days. The one time I smoked was a Friday. I took a single, deep hit, four tramadol, one vicodin, and a xanax. I haven't been so relaxed in years. I didn't do it irresponsibly. I know that saying that and looking at that list seems quite dangerous, but I have a really high tolerance for drugs of most kinds (trust me...I know) and I've done all four of these before, so I knew what I was doing and did it as safely as possible. That said, I don't really remember anything that happened that night, specifically, nor do I remember what happened that morning (except that I wished my mother a happy birthday, I do feel a bit ashamed for being fucked up during that, but during it I felt totally normal. The next day, I didn't remember any of it). SECOND: Christ, I let that get away from me. I'll wrap up. Second. I'm coming out the other side of my year and a half of smoking every single day. No exaggeration either. Literally, every single day. I'm coming out the other side, quite truly. I've seen the light and I'm a different person for it. THIRD: I now have a genuine desire to accomplish change. Well. Not change, more deviation. People don't change. I realize the very House side of that argument, but he's right. So. I have a genuine desire for a strong deviation from who I was to who I wish to be. With that, I've started scheduling my time and figuring out what I wish to get done in a single day. All of this has been festering for a long long long long long long long time now. It took me doing some morally ambiguous things in order to get out of failing an exam*, to realize that I need to stop kidding myself and being down on myself and just fucking do something about who I am. Actually. That happened a week prior. The real thing was I waited three months to work on an eight page paper. I spent nine hours working on it the night before it was due. It was nine hours of terror. I never want to go through that again. I keep putting myself in that position, but that shit has to end. It has to. It's going to. I'll make sure of it. Whoever reads this: Go do something else. This is mostly for me. There must be a better way to spend your time. Read a book. I mean, I get that Montaigne was a layperson and everyone wanted to read his thoughts, but his were concise and divided into clear sections. I'm just talking and rambling. I meant to only write a paragraph, but I've written way more than that. I gotta get out of here. Seriously, go read a book. Have some truly beautiful sex. Or at least find some really mind-blowing porn. Lollapalooza's lineup drops in nine days. 80/35's drops tomorrow. Pitchfork will likely release the rest of their's this week. BADBADNOTGOOD release's their second full-length LP tomorrow and I'm fucking psyched. More than I've been for any album in a really long time...well..since The Shins a month ago. Shutting up. Whew. Biggie Smalls for Mayor. Peace. Enjoy life. It's fucking magical :)

*I told my professor that a friend tried to kill himself, so I stayed up late trying to help him, and then fell asleep, and then missed the midterm. Truth: I stayed up late studying since I hadn't done shit in weeks, then I fell asleep