Active Irresponsibility

I have an eight page paper that is due on Tuesday that I haven't started researching for yet. I know that I'm going to do something regarding Family Planning Programs, but I have no idea what specifically about them nor do I have any idea as to what my argument or thesis is going to be. I very much do not care. It is Sunday night and all I want to do is watch TV and movies. I may just still be reeling from the dream I had last night. I fell madly in love with a girl who vaguely resembled my best friend's ex-girlfriend, but only vaguely. Things didn't end up going well for me in this dream because it led to me waking up and feeling oh so very alone. The part I remember most vividly of the dream was when I first kissed the dream girl in question. It was the most vivid aspect of a dream I've had in months. It was a whole body experience exactly similar to kissing someone passionately. I woke up covered in sweat and my sheets were still wet from it. I haven't had such a strong emotional reaction to a dream in a very long time, longer than I can remember. I haven't had sex with anyone in eight months. I haven't had an emotional connection with anyone in much longer. I haven't experienced basic human connection with anyone for longer than I care to analyze. Woah, this post really got away from me. Homework! Not doing it. I'm gonna throw some shoes on and head to the store to buy some candy. I shall sit here and be irresponsible until it is Monday morning when I vow (I'll likely break this immediately) to be a responsible member of academia and actually do things and do them on time. I just want to kiss somebody. I'm a good dude. Girls don't like me apparently, which is another issue entirely, but come on? I'm not outrageously unattractive or anything. Maybe I am: Who knows. I certainly don't. Hours of television, I'm coming to get you. OH, real quick: I spoke to my brother and spilled some of my mental nonsense onto him which was nice because I haven't done that in a really long time, if ever. Alright. I'll see you all the next time my self-loathing resurfaces. Goodbye.

A Friend?

What's up assholes? I haven't rambled about myself on here in a while and for some reason I just did the minimal amount of homework so I can feel comfortable wasting some time. There is one very important thing I want to talk about: Friends. Or people who I consider my friends, but who don't really serve any purpose as to what should be considered a friend. I'll sometimes send informative text messages about myself to my friends. One friend I have known really well since middle school and she is terrible at talking things out with me. She loves talking about the things that are going on with her and I love her to death, but she doesn't give a shit about my problems. No shits are given. Not even the tiniest secretion of shit. Fucking emotional constipation. I'll send her a small snipit of my issue and she'll respond, guaranteed, every time, with some variation of the word "aww." The variation lies in the difference between aw and awwww, quite simply. Today this happened. She'll never read this and even if she does, hey, you, let's have a personal chat, but until then: Today she responded to me by saying, "Aww goodness! That sounds like an interesting time." I realize who it is that I'm dealing with here, but to my rational mind she might as well just say, "Aww that's stupid! You're problems are completely irrelevant to the rest of society and you're quite frankly wasting my time with this text message to which I'm going to ignore." Her certainly inadvertent condescension was immediately followed by a "Do you watch How I Met Your Mother?" Her inconsiderate consistency is astounding. I just explained our situation to an actual, genuine friend, who listens, and who I have a steady dialogue with, by saying that "I listen to her problems like someone is paying me in drugs and blowys, but she ignores me like I'm a homeless person just trying to make eye contact." People disappoint me on a daily basis. I don't even feel like I can talk to my own brother. I also don't feel like my brother has any idea who I truly am. That's another issue entirely though. Final thought: I can't help but laugh at how disappointed I am in most of the relationships I have with people and how remarkably ineffective and unnecessary most of them are. I keep my mouth shut in public about this bullshit though because it is socially unacceptable to tell people to shut the fuck up. I'm about to ramble. That's some shit ya'll don't want to or need to read. I'm fed up. Everyone just wants to talk about themselves. I'm obviously not in the best position to argue for that being obnoxious. It's true though. I listen to everyone else's problems all goddamn day, and people dismiss me before I even start talking. Ah fuck it. Peace.

Four Midterms. Two Days. One Concerned Dude.

I have a whole lot of studying to do for the four midterms I have in the next two days, but I feel like writing about nothing before I get started. It is 6:30pm and I haven't even started yet. If I'm going to get anything at all done I'm going to need to go to the library and crank this shit out, otherwise I will fail, guaranteed. I finished watching Game of Thrones today though. That show is brilliant. The show started and ended (season one) with strong elements of fantasy without making a big deal about it as the season progressed. Season two is going to be a completely different show and I'm thrilled to bits about that. I have a midterm tomorrow for a class that I've done nothing for. We're supposed to have been doing four approximate readings per week for the past eight weeks and I've only done one of them. The exam is going to likely be over a whole lot of material that I'm completely unaware of. Fortunately for me it is a class based around global population and the issues related to it. Most of the issues we cover are remarkably intuitive. I'm hoping that the multiple choice section will be cake and the written portion will be easy to bullshit. My goal going into this semester was to give myself too much to handle to see if I would concur it. I've fallen victim to it, of course. I got a D on my Astronomy midterm. I would put more effort forward but there isn't anyone getting on my ass to tell me to try harder. I keep rationalizing my behavior by saying that once something is over, there isn't anything I can do about it. I don't work on something all the way up until it is due and then say, oh well, I couldn't have done anything about it. Shrug. Move on. Bullshit. There is a library here that stays open until 3am. If I care at all about my academic well being I will go there very soon and stay there until it closes. For tomorrow I just need to memorize a lot of information for this population class and then do a lot of studying for an Italian oral exam I have, which I shouldn't do too bad in. Again, I just need to memorize things. The exams I have on Friday shouldn't be too difficult. I have an exam for my Renaissance course, which I already know more or less exactly what I need to study. The most difficult thing for Friday will be the piece I have to memorize and perform for my Theatre Storytelling and Solo Performance class. Immediately after I perform I'm going to leave early so that I can catch a flight back to Cedar Rapids where I can take comfort in doing nothing for a week, much like I do now. For some further explanation, my academic life is shitty, but my mindset is clearing up. You wouldn't be able to tell from looking at me that I'm doing better because the acne on my face makes me and my life look similar to chaos and I also haven't shaved in days, for fear of cutting a lot of the acne and making my face bleed all over. PUBERTY!! Fucking yipee. Seeing as it takes me ages to do any kind of homework whatsoever, I'll likely actually be in the library until 3am so I may as well leave now. My goal is to stay awake all night. Once I get back from the library, I'll hopefully keep studying and then go for a run at 5:45 when the gym opens which'll certainly keep my awake until my exam at 8:15am. I still have no idea what I'm going to memorize and perform. Ah who am I kidding, I'm stressed. These next two days are going to be tough. But, again, once 12:30 on Friday roles around I can immediately be stress free and relax and all that jazz over the spring break, which I really don't need to go on and could talk about for an entire other post. Something I may do come the actual spring break in a couple days. Bye for now.