He Wears a Red Bandana. Plays a Cool Piano.

The title of this piece of writing originally had nothing to do with what I was about to say. In the nature of rambling, I'll making it about what I'm going to say. I wish I was as happy always as I am for the few minutes that this song plays. Listen to it and tell me it doesn't fill you with joy. Aside, watching Death Proof might help. Great fucking movie. I also wish I was as happy always as I was when that movie ended and I was speechless with satisfaction. No matter. The here and now is what is important. What here and now is is my far too warm room in my apartment the now, circumstantially, is in the midst of writing a five-page paper wishing two things, among the many I'm prepetually wishing for. First is that I would just focus. I wish I would simply put all this extra shit away and write this goddamn paper. In all honesty, I have all the ideas laid out, I've been thinking about it all day. A day is all the time and forethought I honestly need to put into something in order for it to become successful. (Seriously, with no personal research of my own I wrote a 9-page paper in under a day. I got an A-. I'm just awful.) If I were to simply crank out all of these ideas, I bet I'd have five pages within the hour, which would be ideal since I have class in over eight hours as well as an assignment for that class due. Second is that I wish my counsellor would've showed up to our scheduled meeting today. I've had a lot of bullshit running through my head and as my avid readers (HA!) will know, talking to someone who will actually respond to me would be a much needed change of pace. That didn't happen though. For whatever reason my counsellor called in sick, but I wasn't made aware of this. I showed up fifteen minutes late for the meeting itself, filled out my pre-meeting forms, waited for twenty minutes, then for another five as everyone looked around for her, only to find out that I was free to go and could come back on Wednesday. It is likely that I'm looking at my situation and the world unnecessarily harsh, but I can't help but do it because you can't help but be who you are. If I don't do something to wake myself up I'll end up going to sleep, skipping my final Evo. lab for the semester, easy ten points, another easy ten points, probably a lecture, and then I'll ultimately wake up at 10am, over rested, then crank out the paper in an hour anyway. I wish it wasn't so fucking cold outside so I could just grab all my shit, head over to campus and write this out outside where I'll be less tempted to physically harm myself. College is arguably pointless for someone like me. If I don't successfully complete this transition period I appear to be in, it is all over for me. I will have wasted the latter part of my formative years and will either need to make rash life decisions, or jump off of something tall. I really don't actually want to do the latter, so I'm going to open my window, let the cold in, go outside, walk around a bit, then come in here and write until my hands can't move. Pass out, probably miss classes anyway. Fuck it, am I right? No. I'm not. Ugh. Goodnight place I go to whine and annoy myself at how bitchy and faux-problematic I am. My problems are nothing. Haha, shit I am so insignificant but I think so highly of myself sometimes. Like when I write this down as if anyone actually, seriously cares. They might. But deep down, I kind of doubt it. I need to leave.

The Ramblings of Youth, or and Then Depression Set In

I'm going through something of a quarter-life crisis right now. Unfortunately it isn't the kind of crisis where I've completely destroyed myself and have to build from the bottom up. I say unfortunately because that's the kind of crisis where one has no choice but to rebuild or die. I'm in a crisis where I simply hate almost everything about myself and my choices and the only thing that is going to bring me to a point of genuine change is either self-destruction or massive will power. To an extent, my will power is very effective. To another extent my will power can't get me to do a goddamn thing. It all depends on the circumstances. Even though the circumstances of this situation is the barrier between me and actual happiness, whatever the hell that is.
I've recently started going to counseling. I like going to counseling because I feel like someone actually cares about me. Most of the people I know, friends and family, don't put forth any actual effort to see if I'm doing alright. I started opening up to my mom on the phone and she sort of laughed an dismissed me. I know that she loves me to death and cares deeply for me and would do anything for me, but it doesn't show sometimes. When it comes to other people I feel like I'm putting forth the most effort and everyone else sort of just uses me when it is most convenient for them. Stemming from that, I don't feel like I get any respect from anyone. I spend so much time caring for other people and I never feel like I get anything back.
My life is a mess right now. I feel like I'm wasting it. There are so many opportunities, and I spend my time locked in my room with shit everywhere, laundry that hasn't been done in over a month because I can't be bothered walking mere feet to the machines. I'm destroying myself and I'm not doing anything to stop it. I feel like I could murder someone or start crying at any given moment but I can't and I don't because nothing really matters and I feel empty inside.
My parents are considering moving to Florida in the coming year. I'm alright with it. If it makes them happy, then more power to them. It is December 4. This means that the semester is coming to a close. I don't care. I wish it weren't. I say that because I don't really want to go home. I don't want to be around the same people again who inadvertently make me feel shitty about myself. I don't want break to happen because I don't want to have to pretend to be happy. I just want to stay here and make a positive change. I may have to self-destruct in order to get anything done. I'm so sad. I'm so very very sad.

Social Laws and Norms

My intention for this piece of writing to to discuss two things, which may end up turning into several, as they often do. These two things stem from handheld music device listening (iPods, let's face it) and college students waiting at crosswalks.
Let me begin with crosswalks because it is the most fresh in my mind. People are oddly strict about rules put in place. For some reason, since we are told that jaywalking is illegal and that crossing when the little red hand is up is a no-no, people simply don't do that. Obviously I'm overgeneralizing because I don't involve myself in this category of 'people' nor do many others. I'll give you a stark example. I was on my way to class two months ago. This was before I realized how awesome the bus system is and a walking trip that would soon become this semester's history. On my way to class these two months ago I was slowing up to a crosswalk where on either side of the street there were approximately fifty people waiting for the little red hand of death to turn into the jolly silver hand of skipping, joy, and world peace. Whenever I approach this monstrous group of people I have a desire to go to the front even if there is the possibility of yielding no results. After sifting my way to the front of this flock of sheep I realized that they were all just that because though the red satan hand of evil and hell was staring both sides of the road in the face, there were no cars in sight. No cars coming to trample calm pedestrians over in the foreseeable future, yet almost one hundred people stood as if blind and without their collective white cane. So in the nature of my being to be efficient and to openly disobey silly traffic laws, after walking to the front of this mass I looked both directions, saw that there was no potential for danger (or a fine) and I continued on my merry way, while smiling and slightly laughing, mind you. The most interesting aspect of this situation was that everyone involved in these laughable circumstances just continued to stand, then simply stared at me as I crossed. None of them took it upon themselves to be the first sheep and to follow me across the street. No. They just stood and stared. Mindless idiots, I tell you.
I figure I'll separate this into paragraphs because that is what successful writing does, apparently. I just never did it because it makes me hinge too firmly on this idea that one is supposed to focus on one and only one thing per paragraph. So if I didn't limit myself to one idea, it opened myself up to endless ideas per paragraph. This is my personal blah blah blahs so I needn't explain myself to you, though I do, did, and always will. Alas, I'm already well into this second block paragraph so here goes the second topic. I'm concerned for our societies well being. We spend disproportionate amount of our time being calm and seemingly content. This is horse shit because I know that most of us have a lot of pent up anger and our daily lives never fail to come up with some fresh hell every few hours. The main reason I'm concerned for us is that when something subjectively bad happens, like a sports team loosing or winning or some silly shit, riots break out. People die. Things are blown up. Stores are robbed. Small children are traumatized. All that. What is going to happen when some crazy shit storm happens, like the government censoring the Internet for example? All hell is going to break loose. Mass-hysteria will ensue and the world we live in will turn to chaos. I may murder people in the process, WHO KNOWS MAN!! Let me connect this with what I mentioned at the beginning of it all. 'It all' of course referring to the top of this writing. We are filled to the brim with restraint. Sitting on the bus I notice that when people are listening to music, there is no freedom of expression. It is all internalized. For those of us who feel the unnecessary need to restrain ourselves find our fingers or feet tip-tapping away. When did it becoming socially unacceptable for people to move along with the music they are listening to? I realize that since the music is going directly into the ears that there is some level of intimacy involved, but there is a large middle ground between singing the lyrics of a song out loud for all to hear and feeling noticed and self-conscious when a foot is tapping. When music is happening around me, even if I don't particularly care for it, I won't be able to help myself. I have to move around. This is coming from someone who is acutely aware of how restrained he is in various aspects of life. I stopped writing for a few minutes and my mind went into various different tangents for possible conversation and writing so I'll use this as an appropriate opportunity to stop, watch the most recent episode of Dexter, then Annie Hall, then maybe get stoned and hangout with someone.
Enjoy life and all that it offers. Do what makes you better because in this world, being happy with yourself takes precedence over everything else. Again, enjoy. Goodbye.