A Singular Sensation

I no longer have any problems with saying I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent working on A Chorus Line for Kennedy this past weekend.

At the beginning I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to audition because I knew I wasn't a very good singer even though everyone kept saying how I was in a musical or two at TCR and I did Follies for 3 years to which I would usually respond with something like "I was 12." or "Do you know what puberty does?" Granted, that probably wasn't a totally justified reason. Though slightly humorous I was just constantly deflecting away from what my truthful response would have been, "I know but the thing is is that I haven't sung since then I wouldn't be up to the Happiness (show choir) quality of singing."

As auditions rolled around I continued to remind myself of how much fun musicals are and how much I end up loving them even though I say I'm sick of it. So I did some research. I found out that I wanted to audition for the "main" roll of Zach (I put quote marks around main because though it is told to be the main roll, there really isn't a main roll.) roll because I wouldn't have to do very much singing except for the audition. I auditioned, called back and cast as.....Chorus Member. I thought I had that director/main/"Zach" in the bag. Nope. Thank you Mr. Yuska. I have been working nonstop for that man since the day I met him. Acting class, perspectives, arsenic, 101 Dalmatians (not for him but I'm proving a point so bare with me) and speech.

I might not have expressed my anger about this since as most people will tell you I'm a pretty calm person but a few things do bug me, I just choose not to show it. Because few things are more annoying than a publicly emotional person. Bitching every now and then to someone is fine but letting everyone else about your problems is just pointless. Why? Nobody cares. Not even your friends. You got that, you 14 year old you.

So I was upset. I didn't let everyone know that i was upset and quit and go have angry sex with my attractive, chesty, tiny girlfriend. cough. But who cares? SK is a really cool dude. But no, I kept my anger to myself to be let out at a later date: Right now. What. The. Fuck. Mr. Yuska, I'm basically your bitch. I pretend to respect you and everything. The person you cast for that part doesn't even listen to you, didn't appreciate the role in any way what so ever and actively does things that piss you off. and you knew this going into the auditions, you douchey gay fuck. I really wanted that role and you go and cast me as chorus member. I mean I know I might not what you think is good but come on. Even I would've been a suitable alternative to Caleb. I may not be black but I know the definition of the word enthusiasm.

I digress. Once cast as a chorus member I became instantly cool with being one. I wasn't over the "Zach" thing but content with a chorus member status. I started becoming closer with these people and eventually as i do, I had to ignore them because the people i end up getting close with are actually really weird and fucking annoying but thats another post all together. The thing I like about being in shows and live in general, I don't NEED to be social to be having fun. I was perfectly happy with being by myself singing along with the big kids.

One of the nights after school before we started the important shows we had a little group bonding session which unfortunately didn't both the group, more of a circle to humor Mr. Yuska. As I do, I took it way to seriously. Afterwards I was half hoping that everyone was going to be talking to each other and being nice and wanting my hot body. That was simply not the case. Everything was exactly the same and I still wasn't over the "Zach" thing.

After the shows was probably the worst part of the whole experience. By that I don't mean after A Chorus Line had concluded, I mean after each individual performance. When I'm not a lead and feeling important, It's a horrible feeling. Like I'm unwanted. Not good enough. It's especially bad when some of the people getting positive recognition are younger than you and, quite honestly, less talented than you. This made be extremely happy after that last performance because it was all over and i would never have to see those people again because a lot of them infuriate me. Which is partially why I left the cast party unusually early and why I was on the edge during strike. Its also possible that i was in one of those, I'm bored and you're irritating so I'll fuck with your mind to show you what its like.

To reconnect and make sense of the first sentence of this post I will say this: The real reason I enjoyed the show was because of the way the music and the melody make me feel and what can I say, I just like musicals. seriously.

P.S. I became instantly over the Zach thing the second the last performance ended. I am also not mad about any of those things regarding friends anymore. Yuska is still a jackass though.


To feel.