Just, no

I need to write this down because I don't have anyone here at this school to talk to. I'll just start writing. There's this person in my class who keeps asking me to go get lunch with them afterwards. I continually tell them that I can't because "I have shit to do." This person is now under the impression that I am extremely studious and do nothing but homework. It isn't that I don't like this person, I mean I kind of don't. But. I'd rather spend time by myself because most of these fucking people don't interest me at all. I've stopped caring about being rude to the point that she was asking me all the way from class to the cafeteria if I would eat with her. We got to the lady who scans our ids and after the girl got hers scanned, she looked at me as I was about to get mine scanned and said don't do it don't do it, but I told the lady I wanted a to-go box. I knew that If I went to lunch then other people they knew would show up, and I wouldn't know them or like them and I would just sit there in silence when I could be in my room attempting to stimulate my mind. Back to the not having anyone to talk to business. It is pretty unfortunate. With the lack of communication and the massive amounts of being busy, and major difference these circumstances are from what I'm used to, I feel like I'm living outside of reality. No one here really knows me at all. No one here knows my real opinion on things because there is no need in sharing such information. Often times people will say things that I will very much disagree with but I'll just say yeah and we'll move on because they'll either get all pissed off or tell people about what I think because that's what everyone here does. Everyone is trying to get into everyone else's business. Fortunately I completely stay out of it. I keep hearing that there is a whole lot of drama going on, apparently so extreme in some cases that people want to leave the school. I have no idea about any of it and tell people not to tell me, because I don't want to know. More often than not it is some stupid bullshit that no one should be upset about. I generally feel like I'm the only person with any common fucking sense and deep appreciation for rationality. I'll give you an example of some stupid shit: I'm currently in a show wherein there are three one act plays performed. My show goes last. During one of the tech rehearsals by the time they were ready for our show to go up, all of the other actors in the other performances left already and we had been there since the beginning. Our director became surprisingly upset to the point where she was yelling that she was going to go home and drink heavily and she started crying, it was all very amusing. She was telling the crew that it was unacceptable and her cast was pissed that everyone else left and we had to stay. First of all, our cast wasn't pissed. She asked us, and as per usual, I didn't say anything. I didn't care at all. It didn't even cross my mind until she furiously brought it up. From my perspective it would be rude to make them stay. There wasn't any reason for them to. We went last so we have to wait, that's how the fuck it goes. Accept it, don't get mad. It would be ludicrous for us to have expected them to stay. Also, people who feel the need to share personal information with you without any questions that would warrent such behavior, are just obnoxious. Yes, I realize that you are doing my makeup and neither of us are saying anything, and yes I realize that we got drunk together with your roommate and her friends the other night, but do you realize that I'm not responding to anything you're saying because I want you to stop talking and did you realize that I spent way more time hanging out with your friends at your party than you, because you annoy the shit out of me? I have to use the restroom and then go to work and then study and then perform my show and then study some more and then pass out from being sleep deprived. I need to get laid. Goodbye.

My Intense Disappointment | A Melodrama

I was just written up for drinking on campus. I don't know what the consequences are but I've heard that first offense isn't too bad, it is essentially a slap on the wrist, i.e. $25 fine and a class? I'm not completely sure. I don't care at all. Shit happens. My concerns lay elsewhere. Specifically in the fact that because of my being written up, I won't be able to go to this other party where there is this girl who seriously wanted me to go to the party she was going to and was overjoyed when she found out that I was headed there after I made a stop at this one dude's room. It has been an extremely long time since a girl has sent extremely positive signals towards me and I've wanted to reciprocate. Granted it has only happened a couple times wherein I didn't want to reciprocate. I don't know what it is, but I just don't attract very many girls. That is simply, apparently, just the way it is. The moment I was written up I was instantly disappointed because I knew at that moment that I wasn't going to be able to go to that party and at least talk to this girl. She was clearly interested in me, and those conversations always go wonderfully for me. Sure my ultimate dream goal, as is always the ultimate goal, was to sleep with this girl but I don't even care so much about that (regardless of it being three months since I last had sex or any sort of physical contact with a girl). I am upset because I don't get to make some sort of connection with a person who likes me on an emotional level. Or even just a conversation. Because holy fucking shit balls. I feel like I haven't had a legitimate conversation with anyone in several months. Sure, I realized that I spend a hefty majority of my time stoned watching TV in my room, but my lack of connection with other people, specifically girls, is astonishing. I feel like I'm loosing touch with reality, the amount of time I spend in my own head. The possibility of that happening for me tonight feels even worse when I consider the odds are of that happening. Like I said, girls tend to not like me, so I certainly wasn't expecting anything. That's why I don't want to go to these parties in the first place, well, to be honest it is also because I really don't give a shit about these people and simply don't want to party with them, but even still, the likelihood of one of the more attractive girls being attracted to me is such a small probability that there is hardly a point in me going. People tell me that people are always asking where I am, but I'm sure they don't really care. I mean, why would they? I'm good for some jokes, but unless we're good friends, I'm no good at your party. Your foreign behavior is far too outlandish for the amount of time I've know you. I'm sure I've deviated somewhat from my goal in writing this since it just happened a little while ago so I'll wrap this up. I was written up. I don't get to connect with someone potentially on an intimate warm and fuzzy way. Girls don't like me. I'm going to smoke myself into a stupor because I know that even the possibility of connection won't happen for a while. Deep. Fucking. Sigh. I'm choosing not to reread because I'm sure the hilarity of the melodrama in this piece of writing will amuse me in the morning, or the self-loathing will just make me sad. Either way: Alas, as time goes on, the fact that I'm feeling something for someone, makes me happy. Goodnight.