Brief Thoughts

Here's what's on my mind:
I have such deep-seated, emotional connections and feelings to several of the girls I know much to the point that I'm terrified of sleeping because every time I wake from a dream I feel utterly depressed that I've never truly been able to express and experience all the love I have to give because my dreams are becoming more vivid and beautiful and then I wake and I feel nothing more than the desire to hold a woman in my arms, realize that isn't reality and the feelings coalesce from my toes, up from my fingers and then try to escape through my eyes. This is when I should cry, but I don't remember how.

I've recently (over the past year) left so many parties and social situations without prior warning or explanation that I've developed a reputation for doing so and I have to warn people that it is possible and in fact likely to happen. Everyone is always having such a good time. I'd prefer not to impede on the happiness of those I care about.

Some times when I'm bored around people I will tell thorough lies to see if people will believe me. I'm really good at it because I do it habitually. I don't see myself as someone who fits in even with the people I'm friends with, so I lie; it makes me feel real, less disturbed, normal.

There is a girl who lives in Colorado that not many people know about. We agreed to not speak to each other again. She told me that she was in love with me, that she sees herself spending the rest of her life with me, that she knew I would be important to her from the moment we met, and she told me that we can't be friends because she is getting married and because she will always harbor feelings for me. Every time I think about Colorado I get very sad. And no one can see it because they can't see anything.